Ladies ‘n’ germs, Mr. GREG SCHANKIN!
* A man in Florida has been sentenced to six months in prison for stockpiling weapons at a compound just 11 miles from Disney World. Eleven miles from Disney World? So . . . in the parking lot?
* Sesame Street turned 45 years old. If you are not familiar with it, Sesame Street is how we entertained our children before we could just hand them an iPhone.
* Things have changed on Sesame Street since 1969 when it first went on. The street itself is totally gentrified. It's all Muppet hipsters now. And Oscar's garbage can is a fair-trade coffee shop. Mr. Hooper's store is a Lululemon. Cookie Monster is gluten free.
* President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.
* "Sons of Anarchy" is the No. 1 show in its time slot. They were No. 2 but then they had the No. 1 show executed in an abandoned warehouse.
* Critics love "Sons of Anarchy." Critics have called the show "Hamlet on motorcycles," which is better than the original concept — "Macbeth on Segways."
* "Sons of Anarchy" takes place in a fictional California town filled with degenerates and endless mayhem. They had to choose between making it a fictional town in California or any real town in Florida.
* Last week was a great week for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola — and Democrats.
* Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving.
* They say that the Taj Mahal casino in Jersey is about to close because unprofitable. Hmn. A casino called "Taj Mahal". I have often wondered if somewhere in India there is not a gambling establishment that looks just like the Lincoln Memorial.
* In an effort to boost ticket sales, the country's largest movie theater chain, Regal Entertainment, is adding motion, smells, wind, rain, and even bubbles to certain theaters — or you can go the cheaper route and watch Netflix on your phone in a car wash.
* PepsiCo is developing a Doritos Mountain Dew called Dewitos. I think I’ll wait until they come out with Diet Dewitos.
* It's unclear when Dewitos will be released. But if it does come out, stoners are going to have some very tough choices to make. Do I eat my Doritos or drink them?
* I'm working on a combination of Ruffles and Red Bull. It tastes like America at its worst.
* Amazon has a new digital assistant. It's their version of Apple's Siri. It's called Echo. They say it's going to revolutionize the way we loudly repeat ourselves at electronic devices.
* President Obama and Vladimir Putin were both in China attending the same economic summit this past week. Obama saw Putin and said, "After those midterms, it's nice to finally see a friendly face."
* Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.
* You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester.
* President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.
* Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, "We need one of these things around the White House." (Republicans in the party were more inclined to Texas.)
* A new book claims that Jesus had a wife and two kids. In other words, he suffered even more than we thought.
* And the Pharisee asked: "....which of the seven brothers was the woman’s husband in heaven?" Answered Jesus: "There is no marriage in Heaven." Pharisee: "There isn’t?" Jesus: "It’s Heaven. Like, duh."
Thththththtat’s all, fffffolks.....