Monday, October 6, 2014

Coffee. Donuts. GREG'S GIGGLES.

Ladies 'n' Germs, Mr. Greg Schankin!

* My wife, my daughter and my son were so sweet on Sunday morning. Rather than rushing in and waking me up, they were kind enough to just let me sleep it off.

* The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook.

* Paris Hilton has a new dog. But not just any dog. A dog she paid $13,000 for. The breeder that she bought it from named the dog "Mr. Amazing" — I guess because it's amazing they were able to get somebody to pay $13,000 for a dog.

* At San Francisco's airport the other day customs officials confiscated 20 giant millipedes. You should never bring a millipede on an airplane. There's just not enough leg room.

* Weather's getting out of hand. In Michigan this week it may hit freezing. Winter chill warnings remain in effect. The National Weather Service is advising residents of Michigan to strongly consider living somewhere else.

* Apple unveiled its new operating system for the Mac Yosemite. It monitors your heart rate, weight, and sleep — and if you sit on it, it can give you a colonoscopy.

* The NSA collects almost 5 billion records a day that can pinpoint a cellphone anywhere in the world, track its movements, and map the personal relationships of the person using it. I'll tell you what this means. You know the crazy people that wear the tinfoil hats because they think the government is tracking them? Turns out they were right.

* How is it possible that they can track every cellphone in the world but can't build a healthcare website? Maybe they should put the NSA in charge of Obamacare.

* I think the second term is getting to President Obama. He is saying that he wishes he could be anonymous. And I say: Hey, according to the new approval ratings, you're pretty close.

* A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.

* A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances. Although in fairness, I'm 51 and I just found out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of marathon.

* The doctor said when he slapped Kim's baby, he regretted that he couldn't slap the entire family.

* There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

* Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

* According to a worldwide survey, the funniest country in the world is America. We are considered the funniest country in the world and Germany is considered the least funny country in the world. How bad is that when you come in behind that laugh riot, Iran?

* I heard about a retirement home in California that's growing its own medical marijuana. Or as the residents put it, "Who wants to visit grandma now, you whippersnappers?"

* Last winter Obama was infuriated when he stepped out into the rose garden for a toke and saw the words "impeach Obama" peed into the snow.

Outraged, he called the secret service and demanded an explaination.

The secret service immediately began the investigation.

A few hours later, they convened in the Oval Office with their report.

"Sir, we have bad news and worse news..."

"Start with the bad news!" demanded Obama.

"Well, sir, DNA analysis indicates that the urine is joe biden's."

"That SOB!, after all I done for him!" Ranted BHO. "Well, what could be worse than that?"

"Sir," said the secret service agent, "handwriting analysis has determined that it is Michelle's handwriting".

(Of course, the Secret Service's favorite song this week is Al Stewart's The Running Man.....)

Ththththtat's all, folks.........

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Keep it clean for gene.