Monday, September 8, 2014

When life gives you lemons,

* ABC announced that Rosie Perez will join Rosie O'Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg as the new co-hosts of "The View." Which explains the show's new sponsor: Bose noise-canceling headphones.

* In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"

* The last Friday in May, CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper.

* Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age.

* I'm getting ready for Halloween. Today up at the house, we tested the electric fence. It's working.

* A man in Florida was arrested after he was caught wearing the swimsuit of a woman whose house had just been burglarized. Even worse for that woman, it looked better on him.

* Statistics for the 47 most damaging hurricanes revealed that those with female names killed twice as many people. The study found that when a hurricane has a woman's name we take it less seriously and don't prepare as well. Either that or the female hurricanes want to hang around and cuddle afterwards.

* The man who created the drug Ecstasy died recently at the ripe old age of 88. He'd done Ecstasy thousands of times. See, kids? That's what drugs will do to you.

* Not to get technical, but... according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution.

* Police in San Francisco are looking for a group of vandals who have been tipping Smart cars over. Well, they're assuming it's vandals. It could have just been a stiff breeze.

* It's Halloween night, and a woman from North Dakota says she's planning on giving overweight trick-or-treaters a letter explaining that sugar is bad for them — instead of giving them candy. Then those kids will hand HER a letter saying, "Toilet paper or eggs?"

* Yesterday the Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic and said, "So, they finally got Hillary?"

* You know that the United States recently traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. It's not as well known that the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.

* I'm your right wing gun nut. You know me and fellow gun owners are responsible for all the carnage in our streets and our schools. Never mind that Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my entire collection of firearms.

* Congratulations to Kanye West, who is a new father and a world famous idiot. Kim Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl. Kim was in labor for six hours, thus marking the first time the words Kardashian and labor have ever been used together in the same sentence.

* A new report out of Chicago reveals that the crime rate plummets during an NFL game. Mainly because the most dangerous criminals are busy on the field.

* Gay marriage is legal in the U.K. Which is why today, Camilla asked Prince Charles, "So I can take off this dress now?"

* Dear Vegetarians: if you are trying to save the animals why are you eating their food?

* Lindsey Lohan is moving to London. Before long, she'll be slurring in a British accent.

* Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions, and this is weird: If you're married, it's actually located in your wife's brain.

* I tell you, it's really amazing how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on Facebook.

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