Monday, September 15, 2014

Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's....
The hell with that.

Ladies ‘n’ Germs, Mr. GREG SCHANKIN!

* It’s been discovered that a healthy 24-year-old woman in China has lived her whole life without a major part of her brain. Scientists are calling her "the lost Kardashian."

* People who purchased Olive Garden’s 7-week unlimited pasta pass are being told that they must show their ID in the restaurant to prevent fraudulent use of the cards. Unfortunately, by week 5 none of them will look anything like their IDs.

* Apparently Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are fighting. That's according to my source, which is a group of 12-year-old girls I ran across in the street.

* Usually when you hear Katy Perry versus Taylor Swift, it's a drunk bachelorette party argument over what karaoke song to sing.

* A new condo development in New York is charging a million dollars for parking spots. A million dollars to park your car — wouldn't it be cheaper to just get a ticket every day for the rest of your life and park wherever you want?

* Don't get the wrong idea. These New York parking places are not only for the wealthy. Anybody with $1 million can buy one. By the way, I understand there's a parking place available in the players' lot at the Baltimore Ravens' stadium.

* In Detroit today it is cloudy — just like Roger Goodell's future.

* Apple is now saying that the new Apple Watch needs to be charged every single day. Also charged every single day: someone in the NFL.

* The number of single people in the U.S. is at its highest level in 38 years. I think the makers of Häagen-Dazs and the makers of Hot Pockets just high-fived each other.

* During his speech Wednesday night, President Obama announced that the U.S. will lead a huge multinational coalition to fight the terror groups in Iraq. Of course, most people just turned it off because they thought it was a rerun.

* Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation. [Ain’t that the effin’ truth! - Ed.]

* The president reassured Americans that while we face no immediate threat from ISIS, we've got a ton of bombs sitting around so we're going to use them.

* Guess who we may be partnering with to fight ISIS. None other than Iran. Iran used to be our enemy back, like, last week, but now we may be upgrading our relationship to frenemy.

* It's never good news when the president addresses the nation in prime time. He never comes out and says, "Great job, everybody. I'm throwing y'all a pizza party."

* At Tuesday's big Apple event, music guests U2 gave away their new album for free. I suppose that means they are working "pro Bono."

* Two 90-year-old lesbians were married last week in Iowa. That was tonight's installment of "Things I never guessed would happen in Iowa."

* Pictures of the happy lesbian couple haven't been made public. But if you see 90-year-old lesbians in Iowa, odds are it's them.

Thththththtat’s all, fffffolks......

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