Monday, August 18, 2014

Aw crap, it's Monday.
Let's look at GREG'S GIGGLES!

Ladies 'n' germs.... Mr. Greg SCHANKIN!

* President Obama is planning to break up his vacation in Martha's Vineyard by returning to D.C. for two days for meetings. Yeah, two days away from his family vacation — or as that's also known, a "vacation." If you’ve been on vacation, then you know.
* Health officials in Colorado are warning residents to stay away from sick or dead rabbits due to a risk of rabbit fever. It's a tough one because most people's first instincts when they see a dead rabbit is to get as close as possible.

* Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is planning to open a new farm-to-table restaurant in Queens. So, whatever you do, don't ask to see the special.

* A 25-year-old California woman wants the state to let her marry Charles Manson. If you ask me, you would have to be crazy to get married at 25. You have your whole life ahead of you. Married at 25? Wait five years. He's not going anywhere.

* President Obama announced last Thursday night that the U.S. would begin air strikes in Iraq. So in a way, it was the ultimate throwback Thursday.

* Bruce Jenner was pulled over for speeding here in L.A. The cops gave Jenner a ticket because his current face doesn't match his driver's license.

*  This weekend New York hosted the 25th annual Scrabble Championship. The Scrabble champion gets his choice of $100,000 or the touch of another human being.

*  The U.S. Postal service has lost $2 billion this spring. Postal officials are busy emailing each other wondering how this could happen.

*  Hillary Clinton has been calling President Obama's foreign policy a failure. She either wants to be a president or a Fox News anchor. We're not sure.

*   The network TV Land just launched a new version of the classic show "Candid Camera." Or as most young people put it, "I can't believe they ripped off ‘Punk'd.’ People can’t think of anything original anymore."

* Greg Schankin: August 11 Genesis 7:12: And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights. (No kiddin.’)

* I hear that they’re considering a new 10-cent fee on grocery bags in New York. My Mom is looking down from Heaven saying, "Who's laughing at the eight-thousand bags under the sink NOW?"

* British scientists are saying King Tut died in a chariot accident. I think he was texting.

* In other news, archaeologists have discovered what appears to be an ancient Pharonic cookbook. They've entitled it "Wok like an Egyptian."

* Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old a few weeks back. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

* "New documents leaked by Edward Snowden show that the NSA actually spied on people while they played the video game World of Warcraft. I don't know — to me it sounds like some NSA agents had to think quick when they got caught playing World of Warcraft at work.

* I finished my Christmas shopping over the weekend. I know. I hate me too.

* So these Taliban guys have been down there in Gitmo and now they're on their way home. They're flying home. How would you like to get stuck behind these guys at airport security?

* They just passed something in Hawaii called the Steven Tyler Act. It's a sweeping piece of legislation that says you must wear a scarf at all times. Actually it's designed to protect celebrities from paparazzi by making it illegal to take unwanted pictures or video of them in private to sell for profit. No offense, but isn't every photo of Steven Tyler an unwanted photo? Doesn't the Steven Tyler Act sound like something we would create to protect ourselves from Steven Tyler?

* It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.

* Target has announced that it is dropping health insurance for part-time employees and they're blaming it on Obamacare. I guess now if Target employees need to pay for healthcare, they'll just have to use their customers' credit cards.

* A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I'm not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

Abadia, abadia, thththtat’s all, folks.....!

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