Monday, August 27, 2012

You Have to Wait for the Convention....

Ladies 'n' Germs, GREG SCHANKIN!

* There is a woman who has lived in the same apartment here in Manhattan for 100 years. She moved in in 1912 right after she broke up with Larry King.

* The new sports phenom, New York Knicks' player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors. Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada?

* Some friends of mine were in Paris recently, visiting the Louvre. An interesting place. The Louvre has more bare breasts than any other institution in the world, with the possible exception of the Clinton Library.

* Three people who were picking mushrooms in the Oregon forest were found after being missing for six days. They survived by eating their mushrooms. You know, I'm guessing that's how they got lost in the first place.

* Wal-Mart is in the news. They announced plans to start selling healthcare in their stores. So now you can get your bucket of cake frosting and your diabetes medicine all in one place.

* Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt visited the White House last week. There was an odd moment when they tried to adopt President Obama.

* The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago.

* They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We’ll have to move into a cheap rental country or something.

* There was a little restaurant in Connecticut that closed a couple of weeks back; it had been open since before the American Revolution. It’s always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of “Larry King Live.”

* A week after releasing him into the wild, scientists have lost track of a penguin named Happy Feet. Of course, sharks in the region know the penguin by his new name: “Tasty Feet.”

* The White House is planning an official state trip to Australia this November. Which explains why Biden spent all day looking for an Australian translator.

* But hey, we all love Joe Biden. He's a man who advocates chains you can believe in.

* The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden's killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and “Could you please release it two days before the election?”

* Several Fox News hosts criticized “Spongebob Squarepants” for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see “Dora the Explorer’s” immigration papers.

* Now there's a Romney Speech drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really played the Romney Speech drinking game, you're probably an alcoholic.

* Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, will you marry me??The Princess said, No!!! And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end.

* Al-Qaida recently released a statement again saying the United States will pay for Osama bin Laden’s death. I’m pretty sure we did pay for it. We even took care of the funeral arrangements.

* Remember a few Christmases back when the first George Bush invaded Panama? They said he wanted to have a merry isthmus.

* Biden's only real foreign policy experience is from when he made a campaign stop at a restaurant and had to deal with the manager from the International House of Pancakes.

* According to Glamour magazine, 12 percent of married adults met their spouses online. The other 88 percent met somebody else’s spouse online.

* President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president; it occurred after a summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.

* President Obama’s uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president’s life was Joe Biden? Oh. That was this morning. Never mind.

* President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.

* Time magazine has a controversial new cover. They put it out for Mother's Day. It's a real mom feeding her 3-year-old son. As you might imagine, many people were shocked by the fact that that was the cover of a magazine. If you were shocked by that, you do not want to see what they have planned for Father's Day. But still. Don't look at it as the source of future humiliation for the boy. Try to look at it as the event that helped shape him into history's most fearsome cage fighter.

* NASA says that without the space shuttle, we'll have to pay the Russians $63 million to take one astronaut into space. And if the astronaut wants to check a bag, it's an extra $15 million.

* In his time off, Tim Tebow goes to prisons and visits with death row inmates to talk to them about God. He has visited so many death row inmates, he now has met more Oakland Raiders fans than he has Bronco fans.

* It turns out that there is a woman in an apartment on the Upper East Side of New York who has lived in the same apartment for 100 years. So congratulations to Barbara Walters.

Ththththtat's all, folks......

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Keep it clean for gene.