Monday, August 6, 2012

Hot time summer in the city....

Ladies 'n' Germs, Mr. GREG SCHANKIN!

* The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, “If I was a dumb ass where would I go.”

* President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months maybe years, the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence.

* The economy is so bad, Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

* A company in Massachusetts is building a robotic cheetah. If I wanted a cat with the personality of a robot, I’d just get a cat.

* Just days after calling off her wedding to Hugh Hefner, Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris returned the couple’s dog to Hefner. Sources say he is a slightly mangy fellow who pees himself a lot, but he’s very glad to get his dog back.

* Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage.

* My car broke down the other day so I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and untroubled, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

* There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.

* The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape.

* Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.

* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

* Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I’ll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half.

* Who else is in this Avenger movie? Thor, the dude with long, blond hair and the power of flight. It is like if Fabio could fly.

* Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny it is actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney.

* The Detroit Area has got so many cupcake stores these days. When did we start eating so many cupcakes? Also, there are about 1,000 medical marijuana dispensaries in the Detroit Area, so maybe that’s got something to do with it.

* According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she's the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can't testify against her husband.

* Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. ~Samuel Ullman.

* I don’t listen to experts. All my money is tied up in Skee ball tickets.

* Toyota's getting a lot of attention. Yeah, Toyota has unveiled a new state of the art design for a car of the future. Yeah. The car is so advanced that when it's recalled it can actually drive itself back to the Toyota dealer.

* Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he is releasing the two American hikers from captivity in Iran on humanitarian grounds. Then he went back to torturing dissidents.

* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

* Three new elements were added to the periodic table on Friday. Finally, something to take Kim Kardashian’s mind off this whole divorce thing!

* After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.

* The IRS says that John Kerry’s 2004 presidential campaign owes over $800,000 in back taxes. I guess that explains the long face.

* It doesn't make it a gotcha question just because it got ya.

Thththththththtat's all. folks.....

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Keep it clean for gene.