Tuesday, August 14, 2012

And a one, and a two.....

Ladies 'n' germs, Mr. Greg Schankin!

*     Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

*     At the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner President Obama was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it.

*     A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That's got to make next year New Year's resolution easier to keep. "I'm going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate."

*     I saw that a bakery in Georgia is selling "Tebowing" pretzels, inspired by Tim Tebow's popular pose. You can tell they're Tebow pretzels, because if you eat one in New England, you end up choking.

*     A lunch menu from the Titanic is expected to sell for $150,000 at an auction next month. The menu starts out great, but once you get to the iceberg wedge, it's a total disaster.

*     The police suspected Snoop Dogg's tour bus had marijuana in it. They say their biggest clue was that it was Snoop Dogg's tour bus.

*     President Obama had to cancel his 51th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age.

*     Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there's any justice, the minute they're done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that's not compatible with their machinery.

*     A Florida man was recently arrested for taking up-skirt shots at Wal-Mart. It will come to trial as soon as they can find 12 jurors willing to look at up-skirt shots of Wal-Mart shoppers.

*     Mitt Romney is the front runner at this point, mostly because he looks like the guy they would cast as the president in a disaster movie.

*     Speaking of Facebook, a recent survey showed that the average Facebook user has never met 7 percent of their friends. The article came up in my newsfeed from my friend, the Dalai Lama.

*     Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.

*     On April, 30th in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as first president of the United States. He is the only president that has never blamed the problems of the country on the previous administration.

*     "The Avengers" made $80.7 million in weekend screenings alone on its opening day — which explains why Monday morning the entire Geek Squad at Best Buy called in sick.

*     Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don't think you can blame the democrats. I'm pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case.

*     Obama went for the youth vote answering young peoples' questions on YouTube last week. As result, Obama's new poll numbers are 55% ‘LOL' and 45% ‘Totally Gay.'

*     How many of you watched President Obama's State of the Ruin – I mean State of the Union?

*     Jewelry from the Titanic will be auctioned in New York to mark the Titanic's 100th anniversary. Yeah, it'll be weird when your wife's like, "Honey, these earrings are beautiful, where'd you get them?" "Some dead woman who drowned!"

*     The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they're so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?

*     More details are coming out about the Italian cruise ship disaster. It seems the chef on board the ship says the captain ordered dinner after the crash. And here's the worst part — he ordered it to go.  That guy has brought more shame to the Italian people than Olive Garden.

*     The vice president of China showed up at the White House yesterday. That's what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up, starts looking around.

*     My fellow Americans, read my lips: a new generation of Americans, that have brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, with a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage, under a thousand points of light, avoiding all entanging alliances, shall have nothing to fear but fear itself. For you must ask not what your country can do for you, for we shall whip inflation now, and tear down this wall, for Poland does not consider herself a satellite. So, we shall bind up the nation's wounds, caring for his widow, while feeling lust in our heart, but I did not have sex with that woman, for I am not a crook. - Joe Biden's Second Inaugural.

*     We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parities put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally!

*     Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs, 'Oh, let's blame the humans.'

Ththththtat's all, folks.....

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