Monday, July 2, 2012

Heigh ho, heigh ho.... time for GREG'S GIGGLES!



Ladies 'n' germs, Mr. Greg SCHANKIN!

*     On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he did not like his milk homogenized. After this, Romney said, “I am also not a fan of gay milk.”

*     Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?

*     The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we’re still the fattest, so that’s good. (Switzerland came in 1st place. I guess those little army knives are selling like crazy....)

*     Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Obama for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, “I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.”

*     The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of homeruns they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?

*     In the upcoming special on BinLaden's death, Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound was “38 of the most intense minutes.” Which can only mean one thing: she's never had to assemble a chair from Ikea.

*     Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we're all asking: “Why can't these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?”

*     The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had.

*     Here's how I know that we had quite a few trick-or-treaters last hallowe'en.... the barbed wire was covered with ripped costumes.

*     The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

*     Police in Kentucky arrested a naked man covered in chocolate and peanut butter after he broke into a grocery store. So I guess there is a wrong way to eat a Reese's.

*     This is interesting. Over 100,000 people have listed themselves as organ donors since Facebook made it an option last week. Which is weird 'cause I've always turned to eBay for all my organ needs..

*     I heard that the US lost its AAA rating. Why doesn’t the auto club mind their own business?

*        Spirit Airlines announced it’s going to install non-reclining seats in their airplanes. They came up with this last month after they saw a passenger that looked comfortable.  These are the same people that are charging $45 for a carry-on bag. Maybe Spirit Airlines should change their name to “Mean-Spirited Airlines.”

*     Mitt Romney is calling Obama’s bus tour the “Magical Misery Tour,” which is kind of funny coming from a member of the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hair Club for Men.

*     The difference between being a small businessman and an employee is that when you run your business and you are on layoff you STILL have to go into work. (<<-----AMEN, GREG! - rlk)

*        A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”

*     The 4th of July is the day we celebrate our independence from Simon Cowell.

*     The economy is so bad, Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.

*     A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It's a real insult to our Founding Fathers — Denzel Washington and George Jefferson.

*     Mark Zuckerberg personally made $1.5 billion the day of Facebooks' IPO. That is more than I make in a year.

*        A student at the University of Wisconsin in Madison spent 90 days technology free. He went without a cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, or any social media of any kind. And you know what really improved? His driving! And his sex life. (In real life you don’t have to settle for 2D.)

*     Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, “There was a ban on that?”

*        The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is “Harold and Kumar Kill Osama."

*     They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we’re $16 trillion in debt. That’s not “economic disaster?”

Thththththtat's alll, folks.....

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Keep it clean for gene.