Monday, July 9, 2012

The Boss Isn't Looking. Time for Greg's Giggles!



Ladies 'n' germs, Mr. GREG SCHANKIN!

* Turns out that when they were covering the Supreme Court ruling a couple of weeks ago, CNN got the ruling wrong–they said that the Individual Mandate was unconstitutional, when it turned out it was. CNN executives rejoiced that the audience was too small to notice.

* PETA released a new ad aimed at children, that compares eating Thanksgiving turkeys to eating their pet dogs. Or as Obama put it, "So?"

* After the debt vote, Sen. Chuck Schumer said it's time for jobs to move to the front burner. They're only worried about our jobs when they're about to lose their jobs.

* New York City's Mayor Bloomberg is cracking down on the most dangerous threat to the Big Apple: sodas. Bloomberg wants to outlaw sodas and other sugary drinks over 16 ounces. I try to limit my sugar intake. That's why I eat little fun-size candy bars. But I eat them 50 at a time. By the time I'm done, nobody's having fun. My almond joy turns to almond shame.

* He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.

* President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. When Greece thanked him, Obama said "Don't mention it . . . to China, because it's their money."

* In Las Vegas a diner suffered a heart attack while eating the "Triple Bypass Burger" at a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man's plans to take his date back to his room at the Chlamydia Hilton.

* Monday, President Obama urged his supporters to watch his latest economic speech. Though legally he was forced to add, 'But not while operating heavy machinery.'

* A lot of accidents are caused by bikers who don't have a feel for the road, like the dentists, lawyers and accountants that take Harleys out on the weekend.

* "The problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people's money." - Margaret Thatcher

* Not one person was murdered in El Salvador last Saturday in what was the first homicide-free day in nearly three years. The bad news: 50 people got killed during the celebration.

* Historians say the first exchange of Valentine's Day cards in America was in the 1600s. Back then, they said "Be my valentine or I'll have you burned for witchcraft."

* The original Avenger comic book has a superhero called Ant-Man. They didn't put him in the movie. But Ant-Man would have been awesome. He could solve any problem, right any wrong, provided it took place at a picnic.

* Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of "The View." So apparently he's willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.

* In Japan, they have developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. Kind of like what Wall Street did with the dollar.

* In North Korea, they announced they're going to embalm Kim Jong Il's body and put it on display just like Russia did with Lenin and America did with Larry King.

* Political analysts say that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver to Obama the white, middle-class female vote. They also say Dr. Phil could deliver the fake doctor vote.

* Justin Bieber was in a car crash. He can drive? Bieber is fine, but his Ferrari — wait, he has a Ferrari? Bieber's Ferrari was wrecked. The police described the scene as "adorable."

* John McCain was tough. A couple years ago he was called to vote on making Woodstock a national monument, and his comment to Senator Clinton was: "I am sorry I couldn't make the concert, but I was tied up that weekend."

* After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can't figure out if he's the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercial.

* Georgia passed a new measure that requires adults in pickup trucks to wear a seatbelt. Not only that, they also have to use a cup holder for their beer.

* The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has called President Obama a big bully. When you're 5 feet 2 inches tall, everyone seems like a bully.

* WalMart is now considering selling wine from vending machines. As a precaution, the machine requires that you swipe your drivers license first. If you're buying wine from a vending machine, what are the odds you still have a drivers license?

Thththththat's all folks.....

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Keep it clean for gene.