Monday, June 18, 2012

Monday Monday. Time for GREG'S GIGGLES!



LADIES 'N' GERMS.... GREG SCHANKIN!

* I like my coffee like I like my women; hot and sweet. My wife likes her men like she likes her coffee. Sewn up in a burlap sack and tossed over the back of a burro.

* Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind when Obama went to the Middle East this week. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?

* Lindsay Lohan was in New York having dinner with Woody Allen. Nice going, eHarmony.com.

* Hillary Clinton (who I am not a big fan of) is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot.

* There’s a company in Los Angeles that’s selling a bottle of water for $2,600. You know what’s just as ridiculous? A $2 bottle of water.

* President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan too. It’s all the same.

* Of course he's not alone in that. When I was single I had a lot of girlfriends who turned out to be imaginary, too.

* President Obama is going to host a poetry night at the White House next week. That’s right, Obama will recite some Yeats, Hillary will recite some Frost, Biden will recite some Seuss . . .

* There's a new restaurant in Oregon that serves food infused with medical marijuana. It's annoying when customers call the waiter over and they're like, "Hey, we never got our appetizers. Wait, did we get our appetizers?.

* Father's Day was tough this year. Do you go to the ATM and take out $200 for Tigers's tickets or do you use the $200 to fill up the SUV to go visit dad?

* According to People magazine, Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. It's a memoir about their relationship. She didn't write it herself. She used a ghost skank.

* In an effort to curtail health costs, the Food and Drug Administration is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. You know what that means? One day Americans could actually be able to buy marijuana without ever seeing a doctor.

* Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction.

* A Las Vegas airport got the highest marks for quick security. Of course they did. In Vegas, every other person is a stripper. You just whip off your belts and shoes and you're through in no time.

* Last week was a rough week for Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg has lost so much money in the market that President Obama is going to have him replace Ben Bernanke.

* We're learning more and more about that whole Secret Service scandal. Apparently, the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. The main guy, the guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later? His nickname was Obama.

* On this day in 1860, the Republican Party nominated Abraham Lincoln as a presidential candidate. During the campaign he raised about $1 million. You know how he was able to raise that money at campaign gatherings? He passed around his giant hat.

* Today is “Star Wars Day.” The “Star Wars” movies have endured for so long because the characters are iconic. There’s Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi, that big lovable furry thing — Harrison Ford. The “force” itself was like a character — an all-powerful presence that dominates the entire galaxy. These days we call it “Oprah."

* The world’s oldest living person, aged 114, passed away 2 years ago. The cause of death — you guessed it — a knife fight. This curse of the world’s oldest person continues — they always seem to die.

* A DMV clerk in Massachusetts hacked into the state computer and cleared her driving record of $1,400 in parking fines. She was arrested for the crime, but rewarded for actually doing something while working at a DMV.

* It was announced last week that they're auctioning off the Elvis tomb. The auction house in Memphis actually is selling the place where Elvis left the building. He's not in there, of course, because he's working in a Burger King in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

* "The Avengers." This is the movie that combines all of your favorite superheroes — except Batman. And Spider-Man. And Superman. And Aquaman. And the Michelin Man. And director Michael Mann. And singer Aimee Mann.

* The Arizona Senate passed a bill making it illegal for a person to “intentionally” create “a human-animal hybrid.” And right afterward, one farmer was like, "Define 'intentionally.'"

* Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss.

* The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.

* Last week, a hunter in Kansas shot his friend twice because he mistakenly thought he was a turkey. After the first shot, the guy said he wasn't a turkey. But, come on, that's exactly what a turkey would have said.

* Big medical news — be careful! According to the CDC, there's been a huge increase in SSSTDs. Those are Secret Service sexually transmitted diseases.

* Yesterday was Father's Day. May was National Cheeseburger Month. That shows you our priorities in this country — dads get one day, cheeseburgers get a whole month.

* President Obama has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama's also in favor of gay Secret Service agents.

Thththtat's all, folks......

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