Monday, June 11, 2012

Monday. June. Hot. No Coffee.

Ladies 'n' Germs, It's GREG SCHANKIN!

* It's weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn't something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I'm thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there's one thing I know that women love, it's being blurred together with other women.

* Researchers at Harvard say red wine can slow the aging process. They say if you drink red wine, it can help you look younger. And you can look even younger if you get the other person to drink it.

* You know what Portland has lot of? Microbreweries. I think they are like regular breweries, but only serve midgets.

* Unemployment's still looking pretty bad. In fact, the White House has a new slogan on jobs creation — "Hope and Change the Subject."

* Here's a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul.

* Lindsay Lohan was seen having lunch with Woody Allen. That's a parole violation, right?

* I read that a cafe in Brooklyn is now selling a $12 cup of coffee. Inside the cup you’ll find hints of apricot, pineapple, kiwi, and lime. And outside the cup you’ll find an idiot who spends 12 bucks on coffee.

* Producers are already hard at work on the Avengers ' sequel, which is tentatively titled "The Avengers 2: Still Avenging Stuff."

* I just saw a U-tube video from f 2010 of Chris Brown singing the national anthem before the Mayweather-Mosley fight in Vegas. Chris Brown singing the National Anthem before a fight? That's like Michael Vick opening the Westminster Dog Show.

* More details about the Secret Service scandal. The "Today" show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This poor woman never gets paid.

* There's a new blood test that can tell you how fast you're aging. It cost $700. Or you can just look in the mirror.

* A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.

* Scientists are using a robot explorer at the pyramids in Egypt to photograph secret chambers that humans haven’t seen in 4,500 years. There’s graffiti down there that hasn’t been translated yet. It probably says, “Larry King was here."

* There were big demonstrations protesting Arizona’s new immigration law in front of the Supreme Court. Despite the controversy, the state is going ahead with their Cinco de Mayo party. I guess it’s a going-away thing.

* "The Avengers" made an unbelievable amount of money its first weekend — $207 million, the biggest opening for a movie ever. If you add in the money made overseas last week, that makes $655 million in 12 days. Finally we have proof of what I've always suspected. We are surrounded by nerds!

* Set your exploding underpants on low and you can use them to reheat delicious pizza bagels!

* In New Jersey, this mother has been arrested for taking her five-year-old daughter into a tanning booth, where the girl got sunburned . . . Do you know what this means? There are now people in New Jersey dumber than the cast of “Jersey Shore.” I didn't think that was possible.

* Anyway, a new biography about the president states that he took "artistic liberties” in his memoir and says that he “fictionalized details for narrative clarity." That means President Obama just made some crap up. How is this news? He’s a politician. How do you think he got to be the president? You make crap up. You want to be a senator, you come out of college, you start lying and you just don't quit.

* New York is considering a law that would keep people out of jail if they were caught with small amounts of marijuana — which explains why stoners are like, "It's a cop. Hide most of the weed."

* The Kentucky Derby is coming up. This year, the horses e subjected to a surprise drug test. Isn’t everything a surprise to a horse though?

* President Obama visited Afghanistan last week — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills.

* President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan — "Forward." That's a good message for Obama. He's telling voters, "Whatever you do, don't look back at all those campaign promises I made."

* A lot of people are boycotting Arizona Iced Tea, which is made in New York City. But that’s irrelevant to the boycott organizers — Snapple.

* Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It's perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun.

* A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service.

* A 1920 Babe Ruth uniform sold at a sports memorabilia auction for $4 million. As a matter of fact, this is the uniform he was wearing when he was first interviewed by Larry King.

* They're calling Newt the biggest gas bag to go down since the Hindenburg.

Ththththtat's all, folks.....

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Keep it clean for gene.