Monday, June 25, 2012

First Day Of The Week...
Time for some Greg's Giggles!

Ladies 'n' Germs, It's GREG SCHANKIN!

* Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it's too bad we couldn't get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt.

* I had a fantastic trip to Portland, Oregon, a while back. They say there are a lot of hipsters there. What is a hipster? I'm into Doctor Who, vinyl records. Does that make me a hipster? Maybe a dorkster.

* My buddy called me today to tell me he got a DUI last a few weeks back celebrating first the Kentucky Derby and then Cinco di Mayo. I have known him a long time, two things he could care less about is horses and Mexican holidays. He didn't have a clue even why it was a Mexican holiday. So I said to him that; Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you're probably an alcoholic already.

* If it weren't for the Irish and the Mexicans, between the Super Bowl and the 4th of July we would have no reason to get drunk.

* It’s prom time. One year, I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don’t know who was more embarrassed — him or me.

* Officials in London plan to use high-pitched shrill and painful sounds to disperse large crowds at the Olympics this summer. Or as the cast of "The View" put it, "Looks like we're going to the Olympics!.

* Today Travel and Leisure magazine came out with their list of America's best airports. They always give high marks to airports with indoor gardens and yoga rooms instead of stuff that really matters to me, like how quickly I can get out of baggage claim after stealing somebody's suitcase.

* As we're approaching the convention, some are wondering what Newt Gingrich will do. Well, right now he's working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney.

* President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — "Forward" — that's the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn't improve by November, it'll be "Forward my mail."

* First lady Michelle Obama said that if she could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be BeyoncĂ©. Of course it got awkward when Barack was like, “I’m game!."

* Apparently some of the lawyers that wrote the Arizona immigration law are tied to Belgian extremists. I didn’t know that Belgians could be extreme about anything — except maybe waffles.

* Scientists say they have found the "master switch" that controls obesity. It's called the refrigerator light.

* I have chipped nail polish on my right big toe and i am looking for other FB members who have the same problem to form a closed group for understanding and support of this particular issue. Please submit a photo to Schankin for qualification details. Thank You.

* I finally signed up for Twitter yesterday. I waited to do it because I was afraid it would ruin my life — and it did.

* JC Penny has a new ad in their catalog that features a pair of gay dads. Some people were shocked by the ad, especially the guys' wives.

* Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.

* Last night was elimination night on The Voice.” I don’t like all this eliminating that goes on, it’s so negative. I would like to see a show where they add people every week.

* Millions of shares of Facebook stock were sold a few weeks ago. It’s great — now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU.

* The Oxford English Dictionary announced which new words will be included in the next edition. It’s like when they announce the line-up for “Dancing With the Stars,” but for people who can read.

* I have a New Year's resolution. This is absolutely the last year I buy another one of those stupid Mayan calendars, okay?

* This week, Obama will unveil his new jobs bill. I’m sure that will sail right through.

* I hate to dampen everybody's spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray.

* A man in the UK was banned from a public park after he tried to have sex with a tree. I don’t know about you, but I think Al Gore has finally gone too far.

Ththththat's all, folks......

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