Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Making Bricks Without Straw? That's OK.

Ladies 'n' Germs, it's GREG SCHANKIN!

* President Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It's called Mexico.

* While in Los Angeles, the Chinese vice president said the first place he wanted to go was Hollywood. He wanted to visit where all his favorite pirated DVD movies were made.

* The Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of yesterday morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey's house.

* “Graphic novel” is a term used by geeks who don’t want you to know they still read comic books.

* Chris Wallace at Fox News asked Michele Bachmann if she is a flake. I think that’s an insult to the fine folks at Kellogg’s.

* Isn't it crazy with all these church scandals? I'm beginning to understand how all those Bibles ended up in hotel rooms.

* A few weeks back I saw that the 99 Cent Only Store was calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.

* When bluetooths (blueteeth?) are illegal only criminals will have bluetooths. They can have my bluetooth when they rip it from my cold dead ear canal.

* Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water.

* It was just announced that the show "House" will end after its current season. That’s when you know things are bad — when even the show "House" is being foreclosed on.

* In Manhattan, Seal Team Six had their own ticker tape parade a few days back. They don't use much ticker tape on Wall Street anymore. Stock brokers just toss government bailout money from the windows.

* Forbes has come out with its list of the richest people in America. One of them is the CEO of Starbucks. His secret is that he doesn’t buy coffee at Starbucks!

* The Supreme Court has ruled that the makers of generic drugs cannot be sued for inadequate labeling on their products. In fact now all they have to say is “This will do something to your cholesterol level and/or penis.” I’m like, either way, YEAH!

* President Obama took campaign volunteers out for burgers yesterday and apparently left a 35 percent tip. Oh man, that guy is so generous — with China’s money.

* Despite the news this week that our cell phones are giving us cancer, users are NOT giving up. They're like, okay, my cell phone could give me cancer, but actually interacting with people in person is what leads to Chlamydia.

* This year, the Aflac duck balloon will debut at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.

* I'm not sure how I feel about people buying gifts online. If you care about someone, go to Target at midnight and get pepper sprayed, it is the least you can do for a loved one.

* The Pentagon is testing a robotic hummingbird that can be used as a spy camera. They say it will help them track down terrorists and pretty flowers.

* At the White House they're recovering after the other night's big concert. Mick Jagger played. President Obama said it was refreshing to see an old white guy who wasn't running against him.

* A few months ago they came out with a movie called "Cowboys and Aliens." Wonder what THAT flick is about? (Hint: The movie has cowboys shooting at aliens. We already have that in Arizona.)

Thththththat's all, folks....

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