Monday, April 16, 2012

Work work work. It's all about work.
And Greg's Giggles.

Ladeeez 'n' germs.... Mr. GREG SCHANKIN!

* A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that's cool, this morning the “Angry Birds" app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator.

* President Obama was in Disney World last week, where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties.

* In Los Angeles, they're getting a Harry Potter theme park. I don’t know how excited I can pretend to be. I’m an old dude.

* President Obama has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against Governor Romney or Joe Biden.

* Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald’s unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit.

* Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty.

* So last night I finally get to watch "Repo Men” , starring Jude Law as a guy who rips out your internal organs if you can’t pay for them. He sort of reminded me of my insurance company.

* Rupert Murdoch couldn’t have had anything to do with the cellphone hacking. Old people don’t even know how to use cell phones.

* The price of gas is getting so high that a Detroit gas station is selling it by the gram.

* I finally tracked down Customer Support for Microsoft!

* Contemplating the recent the holiday season over at the White House, The theme for 2011 was “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.”

* If half a century of living has taught me anything at all, it has taught me that nothing can bring you peace but yourself.

* A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for leaving marijuana in his son’s Elmo backpack. The cops became suspicious when Elmo laughed for two hours without being tickled.

* The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, “Operation Regret This In Five Years.”

* Sen. Chuck Schumer said it’s time for jobs to move to the front burner. They’re only worried about our jobs when they’re about to lose their jobs.

* A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each another all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats.

* Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"

* According to CNBC, a number of Americans are moving overseas looking for job opportunities. Now people over there will know what it feels like to lose their American jobs to foreigners.

* They determined the cause of last year's riots in London. Apparently they realized that this is the last “Harry Potter” movie.

* A new survey found that women spend eight years of their lives going shopping. Which means men spend eight years of their lives on a bench outside Anne Taylor at the mall.

* In Iowa this weekend, a woman gave birth to a 13-pound baby. It’s the heaviest baby born in Iowa since the last baby born in Iowa.

* President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. I don’t think that ever works.

* The economy is so bad that African television stations are showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

* It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can’t be president, but he can get a job on President’s economic team.

* If the protesters get to occupy Wall Street in their tents, I get to put up condos in Yellowstone.

* A toddler in China fell 10 stories out of a window and was caught by a woman walking by. The kid was fine. He didn’t even miss a day of work.

* President Obama will lay out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. So that’s progress.

* Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren't running for president. They're running to be Mitt Romney.

* Donald Duck and Donald Trump are very different. One is a cartoon character that no one can understand — and the other one is Donald Duck.

* President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece.

* Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word "iPad" is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, "Ah, you get used to it.”

* Paris Hilton is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Paris's maximum capacity is 535 members.

.....ththththtat's all, folks.....

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