Friday, April 27, 2012

Friday. Weekend's almost here.

Ladiez 'n' germs, Mr. GREG SCHANKIN!

* A bunch of Secret Service guys got fired for their interactions with Colombian hookers last week. I don't know what the problem is. The Executive Branch has been screwing the U.S. for years, why can't we share the love?

* Anthony Weiner was photographed this weekend dining with his wife and texting from his cell phone. Maybe he should put the phone away for a few years.

* Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail.

* If you obey all the rules, you'll miss all the fun. ~ Katherine Hepburn

* A woman working at a Dunkin' Donuts was apparently a prostitute. It takes a lot of guts to be a hooker in a place full of cops.

* A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.

* According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren't even aware Congress is doing a job.

* President Obama's campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video's a little weird. Halfway through, it's taped over by Joe Biden's recording of "Yo Gabba Gabba."

* President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones.

* One of Murdoch's tabloids was hacking people's phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working.

* China is now grading restaurants' hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh.

* A law enforcement agency in Florida revealed that it paid 15 employees to get drunk to see if its breathalyzer tests worked. In related news, it looks like I'm getting a second job!

* There's talk again about splitting California into two or more states. The problem is coming up with a new name for Southern California. "New Mexico" is already taken.

* Romney and Obama are both coming to Michigan in the coming couple of weeks. Just what Michigan needs: more people looking for a job.

* It was just revealed that Osama bin Laden's bedroom had the only air conditioner in his entire compound. Yeah, I'm starting to think that guy was a bit of a jerk.

* A Swedish firm has designed an efficient city featuring buildings on wheels that can be moved in or out of town as desired. This ingenious city of the future is known as a trailer park.

* A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent.

* Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate.

* If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

* When Obama hit his fiftieth b-day a few months ago the White House released Obama's vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one!

* Starting in January, couples can actually get married at McDonald's in Hong Kong. I'm not saying those marriages won't work, but when have you been to a McDonald's and not regretted it one hour later?

* A town in Minnesota has canceled plans to change the name of a street called "Stoner Avenue." It's a weird street. Instead of saying, "Stop," all the signs just say, "Chill, bro."

* The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my offfice building is now just selling napkins.

* People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.

* Obama is pushing for Congress to pass another jobs bill, which means we don't get any jobs, we just get the bill.

* The economy is so bad in Las Vegas, Louie Anderson has taken a second job as a bouncy castle.

* A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it's so big, it can do the work of two babies.

* Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!

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