Monday, April 9, 2012

It's Bright Monday. Time For....

Ladies 'n' Germs.... MR. GREG SCHANKIN!
* You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better.

* Some Italian-American groups have complained that "Jersey Shore" perpetuates negative stereotypes of Italian-Americans — unlike "The Sopranos" or "Real Housewives of New Jersey."

* President Obama met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the Oval Office last Wednesday. And after they left, Obama checked the White House to make sure Sasha and Malia were still there.

* A well known Mexican fast food chain was busted because 50 percent of its workers are undocumented. Now that’s real Mexican food.

* There are several new reports coming in from O.J. Simpson in jail. He is upset that they are foreclosing on his Florida home even though he hasn't lived there since his conviction, Apparently O.J. while in prison has been playing a lot of baseball. It seems he’s pretty good. The only problem is that every time he runs home, he murders two people.

* I just got a new TV where you change the channel by talking. I’m not sure it works. When I yelled "Crap!" during a football game, the TV put on "Jersey Shore."

* I spent Presidents Day acting like a president. I took someone else’s money and spent it on something I don’t need.

* What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? One is filled with crooks, tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

* A new product that's coming out lets you consume caffeine by inhaling it. The product brings Starbucks one step closer to its ultimate dream, charging $9 for air.

* Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly.

* A man from Thailand spent three extra years in an Indonesian prison because of a typo. It turns out he only ROPED a cow.

* The ASPCA has now released a list of guidelines and tips if you’re going to dress your pet up in a costume. The No. 1 tip is, "Get a life."

* Opening Day was on TV the other day. Don’t tell me what happened, I have it on TiVo.

* A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney.

* China's vice president was in Los Angeles yesterday. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn't speak Spanish.

* A woman in Las Vegas celebrated her 105th birthday this week by gambling at a casino. It’s a little different than the way she usually gambles — by going to sleep.

* The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we're getting. We're close to putting cows on the endangered species list.

* My buddy took his wife to White Castle for the candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much."

* Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too. They look just like the genuine worthless Treasury bonds.

* Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They’re going to burn $100 billion dollars — just like they did with the last stimulus program.

* President Obama is backing down and will not require religious institutions to cover birth control for their employees. He flip-flopped. You know what that means? Mitt Romney may be qualified to be president.

* A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you.

* Rocky is an obvious parallel for Newt. He's an underdog, a born scrapper, and he is fighting for the chance to be smacked around by a black guy.

* Wikipedia is going to back up at midnight. So you have less than a seven hour wait to get most of your facts wrong.

* Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license.

...ththththtat's all, folks.....

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