Monday, March 19, 2012

Spring has sprung...
....and so have Greg's Giggles.

* There was another Republican debate in Florida last night. What is left to know about these candidates? Is someone going to confess to a murder?

* A new study shows that 50 percent of America's dogs and cats are overweight. In fact, the other day when a mouse ran across my living room, my cat just said "I really shouldn't . . . "

* The last caucus was in Nevada. See, Nevada has something for all the candidates. It's got legalized prostitution, which is part of Ron Paul's campaign; it's got a large Mormon population, which is good for Mitt Romney; it welcomes losers, which is perfect for Rick Santorum; and it's got no-fault divorce, which is tailor-made for Newt Gingrich.

* Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old last week if he hadn't died a couple of months ago. But don't worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell.

* The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House a few days back. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important.

* Obama doesn't pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.

* An appeals court ruled that California cannot ban same-sex marriage. Let me tell you something. If you want to respect the sanctity of marriage, ban Kardashian weddings.

* I just watched "Paranormal Activity" on DVD. It's a low-budget horror film about a couple that sets up a camera in their bedroom at night. The horror comes when she keeps waking him up to talk about their relationship.

* North Korea has made it illegal to use cell phones. The good news is, it's now the greatest place in the world to see a movie.

* A new survey found that the average guy will spend about $200 on Valentine's Day this year. Yep, that's 20 bucks for flowers and 180 bucks for last-minute delivery of flowers.

* A couple weeks back it was Mardi Gras, which is an interesting phenomenon because it turns normal, everyday people into drunken lunatics who will trade their dignity for 9 cents worth of beads. When it's over, everybody goes home and goes back to being normal.

* When choosing between a brilliant and charming arsonist and a plodding and boring fireman, choose the fireman.

* To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.

* Wikipedia went dark to protest a bill that's before Congress. I know what you're thinking: "If Wikipedia is dark, who'll supply America with bogus facts?"

* The fast food chain Chick-fil-A is reportedly sponsoring two anti-gay marriage conferences. A lot of people are upset about this, especially their competition: Chick-on-chick-fil-A.

* Us weekly is reporting that Mattel is considering a line of Kardashian Barbie dolls. The top executives got together and said, "Who would make a worse role model for little girls than Barbie," and they settled on the Kardashians.

* According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.

* Over the weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were spotted taking their kids to Cirque du Soleil. It's weird when they take their kids to the circus, because even the clowns are like, "That's a lot of people in one car!"

* Before the last Super Bowl, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told everyone, "If you see something not right at the Super Bowl, let somebody know." Immediately after Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem, 50 million people called. I hope Janet speaks more carefully this time around.

* According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again.

* An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.

* Newt Gingrich picked up an endorsement from Herman Cain. It's not unlike getting Carrot Top's endorsement for an Academy Award.

* Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted leaving the hospital the other morning with their brand new baby. And get this — Beyoncé says they may even start working on their next child. Or as they call it, "the remix."

* According to doctors, marijuana use among the elderly is at an all-time high. Apparently, senior citizens are moving very slowly, making crazy statements, and going out to dinner very early.

* I came up with a great slogan for Romney. "It's time to Mitt or get off the pot."

* Newt and Hillary are very similar. Both spent the ‘90s trying to figure out who Bill was sleeping with. And they have the same tailor.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Keep it clean for gene.