Monday, March 5, 2012

In like a (Cowardly) Lion....
It's Time for GREG'S GIGGLES!

Ladies 'n' Germs, Mr. GREG SCHANKIN!

* They say that The Wizard of Oz is a political fable, about how Glinda, the "Good Witch," overthrew all three of her neighboring sovereign powers using a bewildered traveller as a cat's paw. In fact, she was so Machiavellian that she allowed the histories to be named after the weakest of her three opponents.

* But then, Margaret Hamilton, who was immortalized by her role as the Wicked Witch, later remembered (true story!) what it was like getting a phone call from her agent when she was cast. "Congratulations, Margaret! They're casting you in the new Oz movie!" "Great!" Margaret said. "What part?" "The Wicked Witch!" She paused. "...The...'Wicked Witch.'" "Of course, sweetie, what else?"

* But then, we should enjoy it as a history piece while we can. No doubt the Wiccans will eventually get the movie banned as hate speech.

* More recently, inductees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were announced. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is just like the Baseball Hall of Fame, but with less drug use. And more Satan. Inductees this year include Guns 'n' Roses, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Beastie Boys. I'm sure they're all happy to be inducted. If there's one thing that excites guys who've spent their entire lives knee-deep in sex and drugs, it's a bronze plaque.

* The other day we were watching "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" sequence in the Disney movie "Fantasia." A wonderful movie, and it's a good thing Disney did it. I shudder to think what would have happened had Bugs Bunny had the leading role.

* California passed a new law today. There is now a 5-day waiting period before Kim Kardashian can get married again.

* I got mad when I saw a driver in an SUV using his phone almost take out a biker. I would have called the cops, but I was too busy playing “Angry Birds.”

* Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama’s jobs speech. I guess they figured there’s already a rebuttal to his jobs speech: No jobs.

* First Lady Michelle Obama appeared on the season premiere of "Extreme Home Makeover" on Sunday. The good news was, she was refurbishing a house for a new family to move into; the bad news is, it’s the White House.

* "The purpose of the President of the Galaxy is not to wield power but to divert attention away from those that do." (Douglas Adams. Smart man.)

* According to a new survey, 75 percent of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with coworkers at a holiday party. All I can say to my co-workers is, “I will see you at the holiday party.”

* Wells Fargo announced this week they are launching a new bank that will cater exclusively to customers worth over $50 million. It's called "The Screw the Other 99 Percent" Bank.

* Captain America is set in the 1940s, when people thought smoking was healthy and for breakfast, they would eat bacon smothered in beef fat with a side of asbestos. Back then, America had a ruined economy and was fighting wars with two different countries. It was a totally different time. Captain America is patriotic. Of course, Superman wore the American colors, but he wasn’t born here — much like our president.

* According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

* According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. The average American woman weighs 160 pounds. That's up from 142 pounds just 11 years ago. You know what that means? Our fattest Americans have been eating the skinniest ones.

* In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of "Occupy" protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

* Michael Vick has made more than his share of mistakes, but on the bright side, he is the primary reason they no longer play “Who Let the Dogs Out” at stadiums.

* Q. Why is Obama more popular in China than in America? A. He created jobs over there.

* President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting.

* This week, a designer in New York unveiled a bottle of perfume that costs $1 million. Yeah, a million bucks for a few ounces of liquid. Which explains its name: “Starbucks.”

* First lady Michelle Obama told reporters she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money.

* Last week in New York City they held the Westminster Dog Show. It's the Oscars of dog shows. The Westminster Dog Show and the Oscars are very different, of course. One's nothing but yapping and butt-sniffing. The other one's the dog show.

* President Obama had his physical exam as president and the doctor said he was in much better shape than the country.

* A Waffle House in Georgia is offering a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner with alcohol-free champagne. That makes sense — I mean, if you take your girlfriend to a Waffle House on Valentine's Day, you're probably drunk already.

* I've decided to give up poverty, celibacy and obedience for Lent.

* The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication.

Thththththtat's all, Folks!

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