Monday, March 26, 2012

Go Ahead. The Boss Is In A Meeting.

Ladies 'n' germs, Mr. Greg SHANKIN!

* Madonna came into the Super Bowl halftime show carried by muscle-bound men. It’s a good thing she wasn’t carried in by the Patriots, because they would have dropped her.

* Russian astronomers say an asteroid is heading toward our planet and will hit us in 2036. You have to keep in mind that Russian astronomers use empty vodka bottles for telescopes.

* Candidates must have a slogan. Ron Paul's slogan is "Fear the Poligrip."

* If you live in one of several test cities, Burger King, home of the Whopper, now delivers. Well, think about it. I mean, some nights you just don't have the energy to get all dressed up and go out to dinner at Burger King.

* The article says yoga-related injuries are on the rise. People sit in chairs all day at work, then they twist into pretzels and expect it to be easy.

* It is beautiful day here in Detroit. It is warm enough to go out wearing just a shirt, but just cool enough for the homeless not to smell.

* According to the Japanese press, Sony is coming out with a smartphone that has a PlayStation built in to compete with the iPhone. It’s called the "I-just-crashed-my-car-phone."

* According to the census bureau, the number of women getting pregnant is at its lowest rate in 70 years. So, apparently that NBA strike had a bigger effect on America than we thought.

* House is not one of the regular TV doctors. He's mean, doesn't respect authority, and takes drugs. Personally, I'm comfortable with a doctor addicted to drugs. It means he's given them a test drive.

* MTV is showing a 6-hour “Jersey Shore” marathon on Super Bowl Sunday. Those who finished watching America’s favorite violent pastime could then switch over to the Super Bowl.

* Rick Santorum is so conservative, when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.

* Scientists have now created artificial meat. They've done so with stem cells in a test tube. Is your mouth watering?

* Red onions are supposed to be good for lowering cholesterol. They say that if you eat one red onion a day, you’ll live alone, but you’ll live longer.

* At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, LG unveiled a line of appliances that can send text messages. Would you want appliances that can text you? You’re in a business meeting like, “Excuse me, I have to take this. It’s from my can opener.”

* The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out on Valentine's Day. That doesn't seem appropriate. Photographs of busty young women? On Valentines's? It's like handing out free bacon on Passover.

* 2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed.

* Dunkin' Donuts is doubling the amount of locates in the United States. Remember when this country used to make steel and automobiles and now it's doughnuts, and munchkins?

* There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.

* Jack in the Box just came out with a bacon milkshake. Why don't they just change their name to Jack in the Coffin?

* Donald Trump is criticizing the Scottish government for trying to build a wind farm near his golf resort. That makes sense — I mean, if you look at Trump’s hair, wind is clearly his worst enemy.

* A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.

* Today Obama-care goes before the Supremes. And not the singing group. I'm sure they'll come to the right decision. America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

* I guess you heard Mitt Romney is now getting Secret Service protection. That's just to protect him from the poor.

* What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? Bo has papers.

* Women who drink are less likely to be obese than women who do not drink. All this time, you’ve been on Jenny Craig while you should have been on Johnny Walker.

* Saw an OCCUPIER carrying a sign yesterday: "Power to the Left Wing!" Which, as any pilot will tell you, results in a sharp right turn......

Ththththtat's all, folks.....

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