Monday, February 13, 2012

It's Still Winter, dammit. Time for Greg's Giggles.

Today's forecast: snowy with chance of Imperial ground troops entering the base.

Ladies 'n' germs, Mr. GREG SCHANKIN!

* Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor.

* Still no deal on the debt ceiling. Washington is keeping us on the edge of our seat — a seat that will soon be repossessed.

* The late November holiday season is a perfect time to quit smoking. What could be more stress-free than spending the holidays with your family?

* It may be time for a woman president. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions.

* A new photo from one of Saturn’s moons shows it may have all the elements necessary for life. Isn't that cool? Isn't that great? Yeah, the three elements found there were nitrogen, methane and Red Bull.

* Bill Gates, the guy who invented computers and internet porn, has designed a new toilet that uses no water whatsoever. I was going to get one, but my dog talked me out of it, (how is he going to drink?). In New York they call a toilet without water the subway!

* A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama's policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That's because he's created more jobs overseas than here in America.

* I'm not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, "Well, if he's found guilty."

* President Obama introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work — if we had $447 billion.

* The meeting of the U.N. General Assembly went well this year. So far we haven't heard one of them yell, 'It was consensual!

* Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month.

* Jesus taught that there is no marriage in heaven. Why is that? It's heaven. Duh.

* Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie took all six of their kids shopping at FAO Schwarz. Yeah, it was nice. They said each kid could pick out three new toys. And then three new siblings.

* Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor's office while he was trying to get the vice president's foot out of his mouth. (Or was it his retrocranial proctologist?)

* I’ve heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name!

* Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England’s salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada.

* A special Christmas episode of "Glee" featured Chewbacca. I thought that was weird because I always thought C-3PO was the gay one.

* Political experts say that if Greece goes under, the world banks will go under, and then the U.S. economy will go under, and this will cost president Obama the election. But Obama still has three chances to win: Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

* Captain America isn’t just patriotic, he’s also a real captain in the armed forces, not a made-up captain, like Captain Crunch.

* Q. What's the difference between Obama opponents and Obama supporters? A. The first group works for a living while the second group votes for a living.

* A liberal, a moderate and Conservative walk into a bar. The bartender says, ''Hi Mitt!''

* I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out the other car and said, 'I'm not happy'. To which I replied, 'Which one are you, then?"

Thththththtat's all, Folks!

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Keep it clean for gene.