Monday, February 6, 2012

Greg's Giggles In The Middle of Damn' Winter Already....

* The Patriots lost yesterday. Of course they did. This is the Obama administration.

* Four anti-government senior citizens in Georgia have been charged in a terror plot. All of the men are in their '60s and '70s and they planned to build a bomb and blow up a government building. Can you imagine? Remember the underwear bomber? These guys are the Depends bombers!

* President Obama will turn 50 on Thursday. Congress has agreed to raise his age ceiling. (Of course, how do we know his true age....?)

* In Utah a hunter was shot in the ass, when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, "Sorry, but you did neuter me."

* A couple and their son were rescued this weekend after getting lost in the woods, looking for mushrooms. My advice: buy them from the streetcorner; you’ll still get lost after eating them, but at least you’ll still be in your apartment.

* I've decided I wanted to be just like my favorite Detroit entertainer. So I've gotten the name of the most important drug in my life tattooed to my face..... "Glucophage."

* If the debt limit isn't lifted in time, President Obama is going to switch to plan B: a nationwide going-out-of-business sale.

* Facebook just went public with its stock offerings, sparking one of the largest initial public offerings ever, which will value the company at over $100 billion. And MySpace also has some exciting news. They too are hoping to boost profits by having a bake sale this weekend which could bring in as much as $35.

* In ancient mythology, spiders were depicted as symbols of patience because they spend all that time weaving their web. Then they wait until unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and it's all over within matter of minutes. Nowadays we call that a Kardashian marriage.

* Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they're also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago.

* Whitey Bulger's brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other one was a mobster.

* Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair.

* The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text "Burglar! Please hurry!," and it auto-corrects to "Burger, please. Hungry."

* President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It's 70 over 14 trillion. But everything looks like there's no change. His cholesterol is down, his blood pressure is down, and his approval ratings are down.

* The Euro situation keeps getting worse. Germany and France just unfriended Greece and Italy on Facebook.

* People on the East Coast are cleaning up after the hurricane and on the West Coast, we're still cleaning up after the Video Music Awards.

* A few weeks back, President Obama went on a bus tour talking about jobs, and it was reported that his bus was made in Canada. That's so unpatriotic. If he was a real American, that bus would be made in China.

* President Obama bumped Chinese President Hu Jintao from the #1 spot on Forbes' list of the world's most powerful people. It was awkward—Obama wanted to buy a copy of the magazine while at the G20 Summit, but he had to borrow five bucks from Hu Jintao.

Ththththtat's all, Folks! (or whatever verbal eccentricities groundhogs engage in)

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