Monday, February 27, 2012

Greg's Giggles. (Because Monday
morning is not the high point of the week.)




* Tom Brady's wife Gisele publicly criticized the Patriots receivers for dropping some of her husband's passes. You know, it's one thing when you get chewed out by your coach. But to get chewed out by a a supermodel, that's got to hurt.

* The best daredevil of all time is Evel Knievel. You have no choice but to be a daredevil when your parents name you Evel. You can't be a florist or psychotherapist.

* The Oktoberfes festival is over three weeks long, and some people go every day. These people are called “alcoholics.”

* According to a new study, children who are spanked are twice as likely as those that aren’t spanked to get into fights and destroy things — which is probably why they get spanked in the first place.

* Last week, Occupy Wall Street tried to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there's one place to confront the nation's wealthiest 1 percent, it's the subway.

* A new study found that the Reebok Classic is the most popular shoe worn by burglars. The second most popular shoe worn by burglars: yours.

* The body that was found on Queen Elizabeth's estate in England has been identified, finally. See, it takes a lot longer to identify bodies in England, because as you know, there are no dental records.

* I tried to find the Oprah network, but my universal remote tried to kill itself.

* A minor league baseball team in Ohio will hold a promotion next season called "Three Dog Night," where they'll sell a hot dog stuffed in bratwurst, stuffed in kielbasa. Then all three of those will be stuffed in a fat guy, stuffed in a suit, stuffed in a coffin, stuffed in the ground.

* On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg.

* This year, I gave my wife her gift for next Valentine's Day. I gave her a pack of seeds. That way, she can grow her roses the old-fashioned way.

* Snoop Dogg endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot to legalizing pot.

* One of the awards at this week’s Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart’s chow chow named Genghis Khan. If Martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with "Martha Stewart.”

* During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.

* The Super Bowl is the most watched event on TV. It’s nice that Americans can all agree on sitting down and watching two groups of huge men beat each other up.

* Someone set 53 cars on fire over three days in L.A. Police were looking for a Caucasian man with a ponytail. Police should always be looking for a Caucasian man with a ponytail.

* 7-Eleven is about to start selling their own brand of wine. Is that new? They had 7-eleven wine when I was in high school. We called it Robitussin.

* Researchers at the University College of London report that indoor heating makes us fat. They say cold air helps us stay thin. Unless, of course, that blast of cold air you’re getting is from constantly opening the refrigerator door.

* Let the one who is stoned cast the first sin. (21st Century revision)

* Some philosophers have suggested that the devil is merely an allegorical representation of mankind's own moral frailties, but I think our moral universe needs Satan. Without the devil, who'd sit on my shoulder and argue with the angel on my other shoulder?

* Kate Gosselin is giving her fans a unique opportunity to join her on a cruise to the Caribbean. But being trapped at sea with Kate Gosselin and her kids doesn't sound like a vacation to me. It sounds like a punishment from a Greek myth.

* Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: “Now hiring!” Sixteen of Gingrich’s top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He’s not even president and he’s already raising the unemployment rate.

* Lady Astor: "Winston Churchill! You are drunk!" Winston: "And, Lady Astor, you are ugly. And tomorrow I'll be sober."

* As chocolate is the opposite of vanilla, and pepper the opposite of salt, so, I have found, tea is the opposite of kool-aide.

* Lindsay Lohan has been in rehab so many times the cafeteria named a sandwich after her.

* It’s been so hot this week, everyone is sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill.

* The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.

* India has suspended its plans to let a Wal-Mart open in its country. The prime minister's exact words were “India will make your crappy clothes, but we won't buy them.”

* John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

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Keep it clean for gene.