Monday, January 9, 2012

Mondays are for Greg's Giggles....

And heeeeeeeeeeere's GREG SHANKIN!

* "Twilight" is for young people, but that's why I don't like it. It sends a bad message. It teaches young people that vampires have feelings and werewolves are sexy. I hate the fact that the "Twilight" vampires don't turn into bats. That's so unrealistic. Everyone knows in real life, vampires turn into bats.

* The post office is down sizing and closing many facilities. And I thought that, on the one hand that's awful. On the other hand, it will take the sting out of my hate mail.

* Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

* Recently we celebrated National Talk like a Pirate Day. "Now hit Copy to DVD, and as soon as it's done replace it with a blank disk and do it again. I'll be back in an hour. You should have a dozen or so finished by then."

* The following from Don W, in response to a story about a woman who called her ex 1000 times in 3 weeks. "A guy I worked with divorced his wife. She got blind drunk and went over to his new house (a duplex), broke in and trashed the place. Broke appliances, smashed holes in the walls, destroyed every movable object in the home. This fellow returned home as the police were hauling her off in restraints. She had broken into the wrong half of the duplex."

* “I want to die quietly in my sleep like my Granpa. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.”

* Parents in a Connecticut town are upset because their children's' bus driver told the kids that Santa Claus is not real and that Jesus wasn't born on Christmas. Then the kids got really upset when the driver told them, “And I don't have a driver's license.”

* People say Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he’s not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president.

* Obama will give a speech on job growth. I don’t think it will be a big speech.

* Over Christmas President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia “The Phantom Tollbooth,” while Malia bought Barack “Economics for Dummies.”

* Bank of America announced that it lost $9 billion in the second quarter. It’s not good. In fact, when I put my card in the ATM, it said, “Do you mind if I borrow this for a while?”

* Yesterday, the Dow skyrocketed 400 points. Which just shows that on a day that President Obama doesn’t talk, Congress doesn’t act, and the experts are on vacation, we’ll be fine. Today he spoke and were down 520!

* Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there’s one thing that congressmen and the President hate, it’s being told what to do by the people that put them there.

* The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third.

* My kid's new Gameboy 3D can open any file on Google without my knowing about it. What wrong with this, er, picture?

* In the run up to Christmas, shipping companies are doing twice as many shipments as normal. So today is the best day to send drugs through the mail and not get caught.

* A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million.

* A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. President Obama thinking, “Wanna bet?”

* Being charged with racketeering doesn’t sound so bad. It sounds like you were cheating in a tennis game.

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Keep it clean for gene.