Monday, January 2, 2012

Greg's Giggles For The End Of The World

....yep. The first day back at the office after the Christmas holidays. Ladies 'n' germms, Mr. GREG SCHANKIN!

* Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers had some big news today. Ron actually filed papers to have his name legally changed to Metta World Peace. I hope he gets in another fight in the stands — Because wouldn't it be great to see a guy get punched in the face by World Peace?

* If there is a Federal shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.

* Apparently, Kim Kardashian will be a special guest judge on "Project Runway," so one of the challenges must include designing clothes for someone with a huge butt.

* I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk.

* A new study found that in the last 30 years, the average home size has increased by 600 square feet. Which is fitting, since in the last 30 years, the average person size has increased by 600 square feet.

* Last week we saw Green Monday, one of the busiest online shopping days of the year. I'll give you an idea of how busy it was. I was on the Wal-Mart website and I was pepper sprayed.

* Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

* It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico.

* To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That's a good way to get people to come back, isn't it? Make your service even slower than it already is.

* The big movie of the season is the latest installment of "Twilight". It made more than $140 million over its first weekend. I have to say it's refreshing to finally see a story about wolves and teen pregnancy that doesn't involve the Palins.

* A brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China. Apparently, someone was blocking the exit. (The Chicoms are more like us than we'd like to admit.)

* The Kardashian sisters are among "Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People in 2011." This is the first time that Barbara Walters has done a sarcastic prime-time special.

* According to a poll, if the election were held tomorrow, a no-name Republican would beat Obama. When Tim Pawlenty heard that, he said, "No-name Republican? That's me."

* There's a new 24-hour hotline for illegal immigrants who have questions about deportation. The number is really easy to remember: it's 1-800-ISA-TRAP.

* A snake escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city last week. It managed to remain undetected by hiding out at a nearby law office.

* LeBron James is promoting a new caffeine strip for your tongue that quickly dissolves — you know, just like he does in the fourth quarter.

* For the sixth time in a year, an air traffic controller was found asleep in the Reno Nevada airport. I have a good way to keep them awake. Make them sit in the same cramped plane chairs that we have to sit in.

* Legal experts are now investigating John Edwards for the money he spent to hide his mistress and love child. The good news for Edwards is that he is now eligible to run for governor of California.

* There was some trouble in Oakland after the Occupy Oakland protests. They had trouble breaking the crowd up because every time they fired bean bags at them, they started playing hackey sack with them.

* Tyler Perry is forming his own TV station called Tyler TV. Who does he think he is — Oprah?

* President Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last week He lit the menorah, and then Vice President Joe Biden came in sang happy birthday, and blew out all of the candles.

....And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD. - Joshua 24:15

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