Monday, December 5, 2011

Greg's Giggles for the
Second Week of Advent Or Thereabouts

(....or is it the third?) Anyway: Ladeez 'n' germs, GREG SCHANKIN!

* During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a Blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

* Ladies? Any guy can take his clothes off. But if you REALLY want to see what he is like when he is REALLY naked, ask him how much he owes on his credit cards.

* Dreams will get you nowhere, a good kick in the pants will take you a long way.

* Father’s Day has got to be the No. 1 day of the whole year for selling barbecue aprons.

* According to a new poll, U.S. popularity in the Middle East is at an all-time low. How could it be lower than before, when it was “Death to America?”

* The Smithsonian opened a new exhibit today about the Chilean miners. Though I thought it was in poor taste that they put it in the basement.

* In the last month, President Obama’s re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more.

* Is it any surprise that the British police couldn’t stop the high-tech phone hackers? They couldn’t even stop a guy walking into parliament with a pie.

* What a blessing it would be if we could open and shut our ears as easily as we open and shut our mouths.

* Hey, last week was Spain’s annual running of the bulls. Or as bulls are reporting it, “Last week was Spain’s annual chasing of the idiots.”

* A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, “Hey, that’s not a Breathalyzer!"

* President Obama’s uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama’s approval rating.

* Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.

* The White House agreed to move President Obama’s speech from Wednesday to Thursday because the Republicans have a debate scheduled for Wednesday. So the debate that no one is going to watch holds more weight than the speech no one is going to believe.

* It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle misspelled the word “potato,” thus paving the way for Joe Biden.

* From bin Laden's compound we now know Al Qaeda demanded that its agents keep complete records and receipts for all expenses. No doubt using Al Quicken. Also, Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart, although at Wal-Mart you get to use your vests more than once!!

* They say that if this asteroid had hit Detroit, it would have caused a crater, but it still would not be the largest pothole in Detroit.

* That’s right, two Delta planes collided at an airport in Boston. Or as air traffic controllers put it, “Glad I wasn’t awake to see that one.”

* A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain’s running of the bulls. Right, because if there’s one thing Arizona’s missing right now, it’s thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives.

* According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won’t get there for a long time.

* Worry is a total waste of time. It doesn't change anything. All it does is taint your mind and steals your joy... and turn your hair grey.

* President Obama’s hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there.

* If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill. (What you take to Vegas you leave in Vegas.)

* Plans are under way in England to build a laser they say is powerful enough to tear apart the fabric of space. Well, what could go wrong there?

* Kim Kardashian’s wedding might single-handedly bring us out of this recession.

* Asking Dick Cheney about his new book, CNN’s John King began by asking him, “...were you thinking, ‘My days could be numbered?’” ... Cheney's response would drop the temperature on Hoth by a couple of degrees: 'So are yours.'"

(....Ето Всё Люди !)

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