Monday, December 19, 2011

Greg's Giggles for Christtmastide



Oh, no, there goes Tokyo.... Ladies 'n' Germs, GREG SCHANKIN!

* President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That's a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas.

* The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they’ll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 carry-on fee.

* China has warned the United States that its days of squandering borrowed money are over. Maybe we shouldn’t tell the Chinese that we spent $76 million to see the “Smurfs” movie.

* Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.

* This is the twenty second anniversary this week of George Bush Sr's invasion of Panama. It seems he just wanted to have a merry isthmus.

* How sad is it for Obama's uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt.

* Oh, good news for all of us, President Obama had his annual White House physical and the doctors say that President Obama is in such great shape that he can actually start smoking again.

* On Hallowe'en, one kid wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed to be. He said, 'Bank of America.'

* Dr. Phil just revealed that he helped perform his own vasectomy 30 years ago. In related news, never make small talk in an elevator with Dr. Phil.

* If the founding fathers didn't want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?

* Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. ~ Erica Jong

* There is a new website that allows parents to rent toys instead of buying them for Christmas. The website is perfect for parents who aren't sure that they love their child.

* Remember in elementary school, in case of fire you had to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What was the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

* Tell me who's your friend and I'll tell you who you are. - Russian proverb

* Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That’s how bad things are in this country — even Oprah has run out of money.

* Over the weekend, a guy took a shot at the White House. They hunted him down and arrested him. He said, “I thought I had a better shot at it than those Republican candidates.”

* As you may have heard, Conrad Murray sentenced to four years in the L.A. county jail. For Lindsay Lohan that would equal about a week and a half.

* We should also mention that Lindsay is ready for the holiday, having finished all her Christmas shoplifting.

* NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, “One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.”

* After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in.

* “Winnie the Pooh” can teach children important life lessons, like “If you see a bear in the woods, make friends with it.”

* A guy named Reggie Love leaving the White House to get a degree at the Wharton School of Business. I guess he realized you can't learn anything about economics in the Obama White House.

* The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, “You know what, I’ll just take the groping.”

* I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.

* Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama’s Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich’s face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous.

* For most Americans, Christmas means a 3-day weekend, but for 9.1 percent of Americans, it’s been a 12-month weekend.

* Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren’t they the ones who put us in debt?

* In other news, Lindsay was released from jail after serving nearly five hours of her sentence. I guess that's all the guards could stand.

* In Christmas news, Newt Gingrich was so impressed with Michele Bachmann at the Republican debate that he gave her a $200,000 gift certificate for Tiffany’s....

* Psalm 107:29-32 - He caused the storm to be still, So that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet; So He guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the LORD for His loving kindness, And for His wonders to the sons of men! Let them extol Him also in the congregation of the people, And praise Him at the seat of the elders. Wishing everyone a Happy and Blessed Christmas Week!

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