Monday, December 12, 2011

Greg's Giggles for Another Monday Moanin....

Ladies & Germs, GREG SCHANKIN!

* President Obama turned 50 recently. Congress has agreed to raise his age ceiling.

* President Obama went a few days ago to the G20 summit to give Europe advice on its debt crisis. Wait, Europe’s getting economic advice from Obama? That’s like J.Lo getting marriage advice from Kim Kardashian?

* Hey, it’s rumored that Charlie Sheen checked his ex-wife Brooke Mueller out of rehab in Mexico and brought her to another facility. Which begs the question: What kind of rehab facility lets Charlie Sheen check someone out?

* I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage.

* This week, Mitt Romney’s campaign sent out automated phone calls saying that Newt Gingrich is too soft on immigration. Yeah, the call was like, “For English, press one. Para Español, go talk to your buddy El Newto."

* Our thoughts go out to everyone on the East Coast who were left with home damage by Hurricane Irene. In Washington, D.C., thousands of people have been left without power. They’re called Democrats.

* Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house.

* Obama said Americans feel things aren’t fair, that the deck is stacked against them, and that nobody is paying attention. That’s an inspiring campaign speech

* President Obama was in New York yesterday. There was one embarrassing moment, when he saw the Naked Cowboy and was like, "Please tell me you're not a Democratic Congressman."

* Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don’t think this is what the Republicans meant by “closing our borders.”

* I don't trust society to protect us, I have no intention of placing my fate in the hands of men whose only qualification is that they managed to con a block of people to vote for them. (Democracy is the worst form of government except for all the others.)

* The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.

* It was on this day in 1861 that the federal income tax went into effect. Back in those days, there were a lot of robbers and thieves, so the government rounded them up and formed the IRS.

* Last week, President Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the U.N. In fact he was so late, he had to sit next to Biden at the kids table.

* Anthony Weiner was reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, “What’s the difference between ‘reply’ and ‘reply all?’.

* You might be a redneck if...

* More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
* You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
* Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
* Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
* Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
* You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

* The economy is so bad, mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"

* Happy belated birthday to President Obama. It’s hard to believe that just a year ago, Obama was in his 40s and his approval rating was in the 50s. Now it’s the other way around.

* The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars and an apology.

* Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That’s the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.

* Seems the guy arrested last week for pepper spraying a crowd on Black Friday is claiming self-defense. Yeah, he musta lawyered up. That's the ticket.

(Aaabadia, abadia, abadia, tthat's all folks.....)

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Keep it clean for gene.