Monday, November 7, 2011

Greg's Giggles for Monday, 11/7

Ladeez 'n' germs, GREG SCHANKIN!

* Because of our national debt, every child in this country owes $50,000. China heard this and said, "We're hiring."

* A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall.

* The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, can't blame me for that one.

* Hitler's birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.

* Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water.

* Starting next year, all U.S. savings bonds will be electronic rather than printed. So they'll be paperless, as well as valueless, useless, and worthless.

* We have fantastic news. The two sides have come to an agreement. The crisis is over. We are going to have football.

* Tiger Woods' approval rating is also down, primarily because he appears to have lost the ability to play golf!

* It doesn't make it a gotcha question just because it got ya.

* The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans. Which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps.

* Don't fill your time with worry - fix what you can and let the rest take care of itself.

* Kirstie Alley announced that she's selling her mansion in Maine. It's the greatest day ever — if you're a lobster.

* President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America "a renewed sense of urgency." A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the president and our congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.

* I never go into a hospital. People die there.

* Alex Trebek injured his leg while chasing down a burglar. Trebek insists that at no time was he in jeopardy, or double jeopardy.

* It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds.

* Cindy Lauper turned 58 years old the other day. You can tell she's getting up there — her new song is called "Girls Just Wanna Have a Quiet Evening at Home Watching Lifetime."

* Right now the only winner in this economic mess is Sarah Palin, who has all her money in pelts.

* Ever notice Flag Day is the only holiday that we don't get drunk to celebrate.

* Some of the counts Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That's a long time, even for a leprechaun.

* A woman working at a Dunkin' Donuts was apparently a prostitute. It takes a lot of guts to be a hooker in a place full of cops.

* Here in Michigan, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

* The economy is so bad that when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

* The Debt Limit Plan is what Congress calls a "two-step" deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class.

* There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going to. ~ Helen Keller

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Keep it clean for gene.