Monday, October 24, 2011

Greg's Giggles for Monday 10/24

They say he's totally spoiled, too.

It's Monday. We hate Mondays. Therefore, iiiiitttttttsssssss..... Greg SCHANKIN!

* A new study found that using Facebook too much can lead to psychological problems. Which explains that new relationship status, “It’s complicated . . . because a magical unicorn said it was.”

* Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial 'guy you didn't know existed' vote.

* Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner.

* A hot dog company in Chicago is suing a rival for stealing its secret recipe. Just what we need — another weiner scandal.

* The Los Angeles Dodgers filed for bankruptcy. Digging out of this mess will be hard for them, but not as hard as winning two games in a row.

* On the bright side, with yesterdays earthquake I didn’t have to shake my morning martini.

* They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. / No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite.

* A panel of medical experts has recommended that health insurance companies provide free birth control to their customers. The recommendation has been hailed as 'historic' by women's' groups, and as '10 years too late' by Maria Shriver.

* Man, it’s been a tough time for the economy, but last week, President Obama declared that quote “things will get better.” Yep, and then he opened his eyes, and blew out the candles on his birthday cake.

* Regis Philbin won a daytime Emmy for being the best television host ever. That should take the sting out of ABC trying to push him out.

* A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.

* A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term.

* A friend you have to buy; enemies you get for nothing. - Jewish proverb

* Amid the heat, health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, 'We are home. We have no jobs."

* The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it’s the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry.

* The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.

* New statistics show the U.S. economy added 0 jobs in August. The White House cautioned Americans not to read too much into those numbers. What numbers?

* Hurricane Irene wasn’t that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded.

* Mick Jagger is 68 years old. He’s still out there touring, although now it’s more like “wandering off.”

* "In an honest Service, there is thin Commons, low Wages, and hard Labour; in this, Plenty and Satiety, Pleasure and Ease, Liberty and Power; and who would not balance Creditor on this Side, when all the Hazard that is run for it, at worst, is only a sower Look or two at choaking. No, a merry life and a short one shall be my motto." - Bartholomew "The Dread Pirate" Roberts

* A man in California was caught speeding and was mailed a picture of his illegally speeding car from the police who said he had to pay a $45 fine. The man responded by mailing the police a picture of $45. The police's response? Mailing him a picture of handcuffs.

* President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that’ll be president Bieber's problem.

* "They tried me in absentia. They sentenced me to death in absentia. Let them execute me in absentia." - Eamon de Valera, Irish revolutionary (later President), in 1922

* Because of our national debt, every child in this country owes $50,000. China heard this and said, “We’re hiring.”

* A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall.

* The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, can't blame me for that one.'

* Hitler’s birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.

* Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water.

* Starting next year, all U.S. savings bonds will be electronic rather than printed. So they’ll be paperless, as well as valueless, useless, and worthless.

* Dick Cheney says that when people in Washington read his new book, “heads will be exploding.” When Cheney says heads will be exploding, he means it.

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