Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Greg's Giggles for 10/18

Once again, Ladies 'n' Germs, Mr. GREG SCHANKIN!

* It's so hot, Casey Anthony thought she was already in hell.

* President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.

* "We welcome death. Martyrdom is a million times better." -- Col. Muammar Gadaffi, vowing never to surrender to NATO's air campaign. This guy better have a swim suit because we all know where he is headed!

* Arnold Shwarzenegger's favorite game? Old Maid.

* One night at Cheers, Cliff ClAvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm: "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers...."

* A year after they were rescued, most of the Chilean miners are still unemployed. Most employers are hesitant to hire them because of that giant gap in their resumes.

* Chris Hansen, the host of "To Catch a Predator," was caught cheating on his wife with a woman 20 years younger than him. Hansen knew something was up when he walked into his kitchen and he was already there waiting for himself.

* A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn't that the marriage vows?

* The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt.

* My children, in playing video games, spend an inordinate amount of time killing "bosses." I wonder if we are really preparing them properly for life in the work world later on.

* Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 423 points. There's a lesson in there.

* President Obama says he will not give in on the debt ceiling even if it costs him his presidency. Well, that should make the Republicans fold.

* President Obama's popularity is slipping while he's on vacation. When he went for a walk on the beach, the tide went out.

* President Obama has declared that September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. And if you're looking for a way to celebrate, I recommend the "Mac n' Cheese Big Daddy Patty" from Denny's.

* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

* Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.

* A woman in Mexico was arrested after she tried sneak her husband out of prison inside her suitcase after a conjugal visit. Or as Southwest calls it: the next big thing in air travel. [RK here. Greg, don't let them see the battle droid scene in STAR WARS I: THE PHANTOM MENACE. They might start getting ideas.]

* A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought.

* After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke

* Just days after calling off her wedding to Hugh Hefner, Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has returned the couple's dog to Hefner. Sources say he is a slightly mangy fellow who pees himself a lot, but he's very glad to get his dog back.

* It's the 76th anniversary of social security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th.

* Critics are calling "Jersey Shore" the most offensive thing the United States has done to Italy since the opening of Olive Garden.

* Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

* Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 65, allegedly. We still haven't seen the birth certificate so we don't know for sure.

* According to reports, Apple now has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Which sounds impressive until you realize that Radio Shack has more cash on hand... Actually, the big difference between Apple and the government is that their stuff is made in China, while we're owned by China. Two different things.

* President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.

* They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

* I love Detroit. The weather just terrible here - too cold. All we want to know in Detroit is where the hell's all that global warming we've been hearing so much about. That's all they ever do in the winter, stand outside with an aerosol can. >ssst< That's right. Screw the grandkids. I'm cold now.

* Just 10 days until the big Iowa Republican presidential straw poll. How many think Mitt Romney will win the straw poll? How many think Michele Bachmann will win? How many would rather vote for the straw?

* According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922.

* Scientists believe that people born in the next 20 years could live to be 1,000 years old. How many times would you have to get up to go to the bathroom at that age?

From Greg, on his FB page, October 14: "Hi everyone, I had some major surgery on 9/27, I thought all was going well but had to spend this last week back in the hospital, the doctor wanted to open me up again - I refused. I pray I made the right decision. I am home again. I thank all of you for your prayers and well wishes. I have lots of time for FB now just not the will. Please continue to pray for me I can use all the prayers I can get. Thank you and God Bless all of you."

Let me express for everyone my best wishes for his quick recovery! (Send him a get well note on his FB page if you know him!)

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Keep it clean for gene.