Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Greg's Giggles for 9/27

Yeah, Rich can't think of anything else to post today, soooooo..... ladies and germs, it's Greg Schankin! (PS If you're a friend of Greg's on FB, send him a note.)

* Things are looking really bad for President Obama. His job approval is way down. He was up there on Martha’s Vineyard again. And it looks like he may be voted off the island.

* Nancy Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd poison your coffee."
Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

* The oil industry says that if they are allowed to drill more, they can create a million jobs. Of course, most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off of ducks.

* Thirty-three Mexican soldiers were returned to Mexico after they accidentally crossed the border. They said they just got swept up in the crowd.

* The new “Harry Potter” movie made almost half a billion dollars. Maybe now, Harry can afford laser eye surgery. (Which reminds me: Why can't the Emperor of the Galactic Empire find a decent dentist?)

* A new study found that your personality can trigger weight gain. Yeah, especially if you have the personality of a big fat guy.

* A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. I'm thinking, “Cool, I saved $380 this year!”

* New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn’t breathe. Doctors said the condition is called “living in New Jersey.”

* According to the Mexican government, the number of people leaving Mexico for the United States is now practically zero. It’s true. The other day my buddy was in downtown Los Angeles and he heard something down there he hasn’t heard in years: English.

* The Los Angeles Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. Finally, something China is not going to win at.

* Last night was President Obama’s jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.

* After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk.

* The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, “You know what, I’ll just take the groping.”

* There’s a fatwa on David Letterman. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?

* To give you an idea of how bad our credit is, if Obama wants to take another loan from China, his mother-in-law has to cosign. (Note to Greg–she's been cosigning all along. So have you. - RLK)

* DELTA: Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport.
NORTHWEST: Now On Rum We Stay Totaled.
USAIR: Unfortunately Still Allegheny In Reality.

* Wendy’s is selling the Arby’s restaurant chain to the company that owns Cinnabon. Or as most Americans put it, “My lunch place is selling my dinner place to my breakfast place.”

* Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

* Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he's going to stay.

* Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he’s standing next to a car salesman.

* I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.

* In his speech, President Obama said that “compromise” has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves.

* There was no birthday party for Obama. Or at least, that’s what they told Joe Biden.

* Earlier President Obama gave his speech about Afghanistan. He's starting a new phase in the military campaign called operation reelection.

* Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.

* The USDA replaced the food pyramid with the 'food plate.' After years of the food pyramid, many Americans ended up shaped like pyramids.

* Obama got some lovely Birthday presents. China gave him an extension on his rent.

* No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back. - Turkish Proverb

* In his new book, Dick Cheney goes after his enemies like they’re lawyers on a quail hunt.

* Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.

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