Monday, September 12, 2011

Greg's Giggles, 9/11 Plus One

In celebration of nothing whatsoever happening yesterday, ladies 'n' germs, Mr. Greg Schankin!

* Pauly D from “Jersey Shore” apparently posted an ad on Craigslist for an intern. Yeah, it’s the only internship out there where you actually lose college credits.

* Al Gore publicly attacks President Obama for taking no bold action on global warming and not fighting hard enough to pass new legislation in Congress. Then the girl behind the counter said, 'Sir, can you please just pay for your ice cream and go?'

* NASA is considering replacing the space shuttle with a space taxi. It can do everything the shuttle can do, except pick you up if you're black.

* There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.

* The author of “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” is releasing a new book that takes place 10 years later. You can tell the characters are getting older because now, the traveling pants have an elastic waistband.

* Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I’ll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half.

* In “Hamlet,” Shakespeare wrote, “Neither borrower nor a lender be.” Now where better to find financial advice than a play about a bipolar, suicidal man in tights?

* "A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine.” - Thomas Jefferson

* President Obama had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama. The President asked about the political situation in Tibet, and the Dalai Lama asked if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez.

* The football game will be on Thursday night, right after the season finale of President Obama.

* A Frenchman has been ordered to pay his ex-wife £8,500 in damages for failing to have enough sex with her during their marriage. I wonder if it works both ways?

* Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'

* Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

* Life is not a popularity contest! Just the way it is.

* Obama caved again when “Real Housewives of New Jersey” called and said, “Our show is on at that time.”

* A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. You’d probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway...

* Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back!

* A postcard originally mailed in 1912 was finally delivered last week. On the back it was signed “Can’t wait to get on the Titanic!” No, that wasn’t it, it was actually signed, “Best Wishes, thanks for watching. Regis.”

* Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson.

* In a new interview, President Obama said he wants a 'debt ceiling deal' for his 50th birthday. Then he was like, 'But if I can’t have that – iPad.

* Some jobs are growing: health care, solar technology and translating for our soon-to-be Chinese overlords.

* A new study found that thin people have an extra copy of certain genes. Meanwhile, fat people have an extra copy of the Denny’s takeout menu.

* Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, 'Yeah, that's why I'm always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.'

* More bad news for former Senator John Edwards – an audit of his campaign finances shows he now owes the federal government $2.3 million. Apparently he spent money on everything except condoms.

* Here in Detroit, the leaves turn — and run.

* A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term.

* Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama’s jobs speech last night. I guess they figured there’s already a rebuttal to his jobs speech: No jobs.

* Everyone is watching the big global news story. We’re seeing historic changes rocking one of the most ruthless families on earth. That’s right, Kim Kardashian got married.

* Joey Chestnut won the hot dog eating contest on Coney Island; in keeping with tradition, the winner was a loser.

* Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2012 election year.

* When I’m on a roller coaster, I love the way the wind whips through my hair, which is why I never wear pants.

* Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He kind of backtracked. Now he's saying it was just the Metamucil talking.

* Rebuilding. n. A term used to describe a sports team that really sucks. (Ex: "The Predators are rebuilding after going 2-16 last year.")

* Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he’s “not dead yet.” Then he was invited on “Dancing With the Stars,” and he said, “OK, now I’m dead.”

* A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

* NASA is considering replacing the space shuttle with a space taxi. It can do everything the shuttle can do, except pick you up if you're black.

* You’re not a Hell’s Angel if you moisturize, or if you know where the nearest Whole Foods is.

* Just 10 days until the big Iowa Republican presidential straw poll. How many think Mitt Romney will win the straw poll? How many think Michele Bachmann will win? How many would rather vote for the straw?

(Oh, and RLK here. My favorite line from Team America World Police: "If that happens it'll be like 911 times a hundred!" "You don't mean...." "That's right. It will be ninety-one thousand, one hundred.....")

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Keep it clean for gene.