Friday, August 5, 2011

Greg's Giggles for Friday, August 5

* Saw this sign on a gate up north last weekend: Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3

* Cowboys & Aliens is supposed to be the next big blockbuster. Doesn't that sound like a game Arnold Schwarzenegger would play with his maid?

* You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified. (Don't worry, everyone else has one too--also fully justified.)

* McDonald’s is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It’s nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they’re like, “Cool! I made this.”

* Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

* We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.

* The heat has been good for The Weather Channel. This is like their “Shark Week.”

* A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren't really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math.

* Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, “Where’s my money?”

* The NFL has reached a compromise. The players will make more money, the owners will make more money, and the fans will pay through the nose.

* The debt talks failed again. Now, President Obama wishes he was born in Kenya.

* Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama’s economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America. I think the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial retired and moved to Florida.

* I think we should switch to Celsius. In Europe, it rarely goes over 40 degrees.

* In a new interview, Bill Gates said that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is engaged. But when pressed for more info, Gates just froze and had to be rebooted.

* Bookstore company Borders announced that it expects to find a buyer by the end of July. Not a buyer for the company, but just anyone willing to pay them for a book.

* We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.

* Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: “President Joe Biden.”

* Glorious silence . . . spend a few minutes every day without conversation, music, or the news. Revel in the pleasure of it.

* A man in Iowa was arrested at his own wedding after he hit another guy who was dancing with his new wife. Yeah, the worst part is, it completely ruined the father-daughter first dance.

* Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay!

* The other day the heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees. Maybe the world actually did end in May and the people in Washington are actually in hell

* “Cowboys and Aliens” opened last weekend. I wonder what that movie is about.

* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway!

* Al-Qaida is not what it used to be. You can see they don’t have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden. (Well, they DO get extra-virgin olive oil with their salad. Does that count?)

* If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

* Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

* Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called 'Unscented.'

* President Obama said he turns 50 this week, but he actually doesn't turn 50 until Aug. 4. This means that even he hasn't seen his birth certificate.

* Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan.

* Monday a Delta airlines flight made an emergency landing at a wildlife refuge in Hawaii. When the lions saw the passengers they said, “Do you believe this? Delta’s actually serving food!”

* A 51-year old actor named Doug Hutchinson has married a high school student. Yesterday, Doug and 16-year old Mrs. Hutchinson announced that they were married in May. Steven Tyler is suing him for lifestyle infringement. The couple insists there’s nothing strange about their relationship, except for the fact that when he was her age, she was minus 19. Even Hugh Hefner was like, “That’s gross.”

* "Shark Week" is underway this week. Despite many years of research, marine biologists know surprisingly little about sharks. Mostly because they keep getting eaten when they try to find out.

* Somewhere James Carville is thankful that Bill Clinton didnt have a cellphone with a camera back in the 90s!!!

* It was so hot in California today that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire.

* It’s very hot outside, but at least all of that snow from January is finally beginning to melt.

* My 80+ year old mother and I play a new drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse.

* A new report has found that adults in Washington, D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. All this time, we thought the problem was government waste, but it’s actually that the government’s wasted.

* There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

* Eliot Spitzer’s show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?

* The prize money for the U.S. Open had to be borrowed from the Chinese Open....

No comments:

Post a Comment

Keep it clean for gene.