Monday, August 29, 2011

Greg's Giggles for August 29

...so that your Monday doesn't entirely suck.

Ladies and germs, Mr. Greg Schankin!


* A company in Seattle is coming out with a medical marijuana patch for dogs and cats. So finally, dogs and cats won’t have to buy their weed illegally.

* To give you an idea of how bad our credit is, if Obama wants to take another loan from China, his mother-in-law has to cosign.

* Love thy neighbor, but don't brag about it

* At the first Republican presidential debate, seven candidates got together to agree on how much they dislike the government they would like to run.

* Ganesh -- now there's a Hindu god a good Republican can get behind.

* I once quit dating a girl when I found out she was a member of the Fibonacci Party. They're mean and extreme.

* "Forgiveness is the fragrance the flower leaves on the heel of the one who crushed it." -David Jeremiah

* Father’s Day was last Sunday, it is a day on which fathers across country are reminded through crappy gifts of how much more their children love mommy.

* Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it’s actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, “My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.”

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

* The company that makes the BlackBerry is laying off 11 percent of its workforce. You can tell it's bad, because the CEO's announcement ended with the line “Sent from my iPhone.”

* Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.

* You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son “Tripp” because “camping” seemed like a dumb name.

* When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

* The new manager of the Florida Marlins is 80 years old. This makes him the oldest man working in baseball and the youngest man working in Florida.

* A new study says that swearing doesn’t make you feel better, but you know who disagrees with that? Anyone that has ever stubbed their toe.

* This year, Arnold Schwarzenegger gets an extra gift for Father’s Day.

* According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end?

* President Obama’s new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'

* China's mad at President Obama for meeting with the Dalai Lama, but come on. Obama doesn't owe them anything — except like $14 trillion.

* President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers.

* Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper. When he heard this, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “So it looks like they do want to start a family.”

* President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in his hometown of Chicago. Oprah jumped out of the cake. Then she jumped back in. She loves cake.

* The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.

* There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators. Will Rogers

* Officials still can’t say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That’s money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home.

* The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.

* If you get married, have children, grow old and die... does that mean that if you never get married the rest won't happen?

* Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

* ...and never go on the information superhighway after a couple of drinks.


* I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid said when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father he said “cool.” It was a big improvement. Up to this point, the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme.

* I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.

* I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

* Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has broken up with her boyfriend of eight months. If that drunken little tangerine angel can’t find love, what hope is there for the rest of us?

* Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

* Happy birthday to Donald Trump. For his birthday party, they’ll play “Pin everything on Obama.”

* Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash....

Until next time... that's Greg's Giggles.

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