Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Greg's Giggles for Tuesday

It's that time again....

* Coffee is getting so expensive that border agents caught a guy trying to smuggle 5 pounds of Folgers buried inside a ton of cocaine.

* According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it’s due to a sweeping new trend called “unemployment.”

* A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2009. Which explains how my 80 year old mother can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.

* If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex?

* President Obama urged more foreign countries to start investing in the U.S. economy. The president of Mexico was like, “The people of Mexico are with you. Literally, they’re already there with you.”

* Don't brood. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever.

* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Implants?

* I just read that more companies are bringing back jobs to the U.S. that have been outsourced to other countries for years. So the next time you call tech support, you might actually get someone who speaks perfect English — and knows nothing about computers.

* A senior al-Qaida leader was arrested in Afghanistan and he was disguised as a woman. Police became suspicious after he was seen stoning himself.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger is laying low in Europe. He was in his homeland of Austria, and he said he misses schnitzel. By the way, schnitzel is the name of his Austrian lovechild.

* If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb

* Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it. - Chinese Proverb

* During tourist season in Detroit, the limit is that you can only kill two tourists for the entire season!.

* Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

* Cindy Lauper turned 58 years old yesterday. You can tell she’s getting up there — her new song is called “Girls Just Wanna Have a Quiet Evening at Home Watching Lifetime.”

* You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

* Experts say that because of higher gas prices, fewer families will travel the 4th of July weekend. That’s a shame. I can’t imagine growing up without an 18-hour ride through the desert with my father who’s too cheap to turn the air conditioning on.

* Lawmakers here in New York have proposed a new program to teach teenagers about the dangers of sexting. Seriously? How about a program to teach New York lawmakers about the dangers of sexting?

* The New leader of al-Qaida, Ayman al-Zawahiri, is a doctor by trade. He’s a terrorist and a doctor. If his name pops up on your list of recommended physicians, change your HMO. That is a bad sign.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Bachmann didn’t know John Wayne Gacy was from her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. The town is about the size of the Wayans family. (The next-most famous person from that town is the guy that grew the biggest pumpkin at the town fair.)

* President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers.

* According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won’t get there for a long time.

* Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

* The Pope tweeted yesterday. If you had told me the Pope tweeted five years ago, I would have said, “Why? Does he think he’s a bird?”

* My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

* NBC has apologized for editing out the words “under God” from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They’re also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with “Hail Satan.”

* If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

* President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.

* I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha.

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Keep it clean for gene.