Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Greg's Giggles for Tuesday: Back to Work Edition

* Sociologists have documented the stages of a scandal: Denial, tearful confession, resignation, and an appearance on “Dancing With the Stars.”

* Last week President Obama has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers.

* A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When he heard this, Joe Biden said, “How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.”

* “Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year”

* Apparently, a pipe with marijuana in it was found buried in Shakespeare’s garden. That’s amazing. Shakespeare had a garden?

* They told me if I voted for Sarah Palin we'd have a complete moron as VP. They were right. I did. And we do.

* President Obama said today he's not concerned about a double dip recession. He's more concerned the recovery we're in is not creating enough jobs. In fact, do you know what you call a recovery that isn't creating enough jobs? A recession.

* Rod Blagojevich was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse.

* Former Pizza Hut executive Mike Rawlings was just elected as the next mayor of Dallas. I don’t know why he went with such a large city. He could’ve gotten a much better deal with two medium cities.

* Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

* A tea party group is running a summer camp for kids. It’s the only camp where the kids sit around a bonfire and hear scary stories about taxing the richest 2 percent.

* According to reports, poor financial decisions with a Chicago brokerage firm cost Al-Qaida over $20 million in investments. Why are we risking the lives of our Navy SEALs? Send in Bernie Madoff. He will take care of these people. In five minutes they will be broke.

* Donald Trump and Sarah Palin had pizza together last week. When the waitress asked if they want extra toppings, Trump said, “No thanks, my hair is fine.”

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

* Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

* Do you get dad a tie, slippers, or what? What do you get for a guy that only leaves the house to go to the liquor store?

* The U.S. Cardinals said they are going to develop a code of ethics to help them deal with the sexual abuse scandal. Wait a minute, I thought their already was a code of ethics, it's called the Bible.

* Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

* Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

* The FBI has arrested the criminal who was the inspiration for the movie “The Departed.” The FBI is now looking for whoever’s responsible for the last five Katherine Heigl movies. They have shoot-to-kill orders.

* The worst thing to me about summer is all the reruns on TV. Like today I was watching and they had this old episode where Lindsay Lohan goes to court for probation violations. I think the show was called "The News." I’ve seen that one like 10 times now. I’m tired of it.

* I don’t know if you heard, astronaut Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced. Apparently, he just needed some space!

* The state of Alaska released more than 24,000 emails written by Sarah Palin when she was governor. How does someone that doesn’t read write that much?

* If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

* President Obama will be in New York tonight for a fundraiser at the Broadway musical “Sister Act.” Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will be in town to do some hunting at “The Lion King.” (Amazing how fast she can field dress a donkey!)

* The juice is back on, no electricity last night and again this afternoon and all our wires are underground!

* Life: a sexually transmitted disease.

* Hugh Hefner’s wedding has been called off. I guess he didn’t want to be tied down with one woman for the rest of his weeks

* If it’s done right, Mother’s Day is just a rehearsal for Father’s Day.

* I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.

* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

No comments:

Post a Comment

Keep it clean for gene.